How to Respond to a Man's Pursuit and finally get him for your self.

Many frequent conversation that I've been having over the last two years. Sitting across from me will be an attractive man, anywhere from 18 to 35. He is usually well-regarded by his pastor, communicates clearly, holds a good job, and leads a small group or other ministry team. In other words, not the kind of man I would think lacks confidence.
And yet, he needs encouragement to initiate a relationship — which is why he is there talking to me. My job as his friend is to help him figure out what he is going to say and assure him that he is doing the right thing in stepping up to the plate. While he worries about the possible rejection of one woman, I can usually think of a half-dozen others who would jump for joy if he pursued any of them. So it's with detached amusement that I listen, marveling that this is a lot harder for men than I ever imagined in years past.

http://www.jvzoo.com/register/620941

Being privy to the way men think has tempered my own self-righteousness and impatience in the area of romantic relationships. While we women exercise trust in God by waiting to be pursued, men exercise trust in God by risking rejection. Tweet This Because of that, I always encourage my brothers in Christ to sow to godly masculinity and not passivity — to be more concerned with their own actions and motivations than the outcome of their pursuit.
When I first wrote a book to encourage single women, I never imagined it would lead to more conversations with single men. (If I had known this, I would have written it a lot earlier!) But I don't want to keep this valuable information to myself. I want other single women to benefit from these many conversations, too.

Here's my take-away point for women: There is a godly humility that we should cultivate that will both attract men and encourage them. Let me unpack that thought a bit more.
First, let's acknowledge that the dating/courting process can be extremely awkward. That awkwardness can create tense friendships in the church, instead of the ease of brother-sister relationships. Some of this will never change, due to the innate, volatile mix of human desires. But I do believe we women can smooth over some of that awkwardness by putting away self-righteousness, arrogance and selfishness in these interactions, and instead clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness and patience (Colossians 3:12).
In saying this, I'm not suggesting that a woman must accept every initiative or invitation that comes her way. I'm also not suggesting these ideas apply to the unwanted attention of ungodly or dangerous men. My focus for this article is on the relationships of single men and women within the church. Within that context, I think it is good to remember that we have an eternal bond in Jesus Christ, and that bond requires something of us because of what we have received in Him.

So whenever a man initiates friendship or more with us, and that's not our preference, we need to treat him graciously as a brother. If he's trying to be a friend, we shouldn't snub him unkindly. If he's initiating something more and we aren't in faith for it, or can't return the affection, we should exhibit humility by taking the time to consider and pray over his request, get counsel from others (just in case we don't see things clearly), and decline him kindly. We should not look down on any godly man, but thank him for demonstrating trust in God by risking such a request. We should build him up and make it easy for him to step out once again, even if we are not giving him the answer he wants.
Second, we need to remember that humility is a quality that is highly prized in Scripture. Philippians 2:3-4 tells us: "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others." Let me break that down. Do nothing from conceit (don't think of yourself more highly than you ought). Count others as more significant (including men who aren't your preference). Consider the interests of others in the same way you regard your own interests (you wouldn't like to be snubbed, either, would you?).

Let's be honest. You may not have any attraction to a particular man when he initiates a relationship with you — but it's highly likely that one day he will connect with the woman who is to be his wife. Wouldn't you want to be the kind of gracious woman who makes it easier for him to try again with someone else? And wouldn't you want that from the last woman your future husband pursues? (Don't lose me here in all the hypotheticals.) More importantly than this, don't we all want to be the kind of women who please our Father because we are imitating His Son? As verses five and six say: "Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men." Another translation says it this way, "your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus."

Recently I heard about a man who said women "laughed in his face" when he initiated relationships with them. I was puzzled to hear this report because this man would be considered generally attractive, outgoing and godly. Why were women reacting this way? Even accounting for possible hyperbole in this report, I was still saddened. The next time a man takes any initiative toward us, I would suggest we consider it an evidence of God's grace before we view it any other way. In humility, we should think about how difficult it is for a man to risk rejection. We should care more for his interests in this situation than our own possible awkwardness, discomfort or even disappointment. Humility dictates that we should be honored, not displeased, when any godly man expresses interest. Again, that doesn't mean we need to accept. But we should not belittle him for having made the effort.

Third, humility recognizes we're not omniscient. While we may know a man fairly well, we still don't know everything about him. He may have character qualities that would be a pleasant surprise to discover — just like the famous Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice. I have a friend who married a man completely unlike the one who started to court her. The man who first asked her out was quiet, willing to be in the background and was slightly fashion-challenged. The one who won her heart was romantic, thoughtful, funny, reliable and willing to go shopping. What changed? Nothing but her own perspective. She had formed an opinion of him that was incomplete when they were mere acquaintances. When he began to show his interest in her, she wasn't very thrilled. But because she knew he was a man worthy of respect, she took the time to ask others for their advice. Several older, married women pointed out qualities they'd seen in him that would make for a good husband. Their perspective helped her to reconsider some of the superficial ways she had been evaluating him.
When he asked to court her, she said yes — in faith that her affections could grow for a man she fundamentally respected. It happened. Not only did her affections grow, so did her attraction.
After she was engaged, her other single, female friends commented that her fiancé had blossomed during their courtship. When she relayed this comment to her future husband, he simply remarked that he had done that on purpose. He wanted to be more reserved around other single women he wasn't pursuing, so that he could save all that romance, attention and effort for the woman whose heart he was trying to win.

Ahhh ... don't you want to sigh with appreciation? Of course! This is the kind of intentionality that we should encourage as much as we can with our own godly responses. Therefore, let us be marked by a spirit of sisterly graciousness that wants to cheer on our brothers as they exercise their trust in God to fulfill the Proverbs 18:22 passage to find a good thing — a wife.

Biblical Dating: Men Initiate and Women Respond

PART 1: How It's Different From Modern Dating .

The first step in the process of moving toward marriage through the initiation of or participation in a godly relationship is to evaluate yourself spiritually. Remember, one of our guiding principles here is that we are trying to be (or prepare to be) a godly spouse even as we try to find a godly spouse. All singles who profess Christ and aspire to marriage — even as a possibility — have this responsibility (even outside this area of life, we should all be trying to grow in Christ). Are you a Christian? If you're already sure of that basic answer, are you a growing and mature Christian? Are you generally humble and teachable, and do you respect authority? As a practical matter, are you responsible and holy in the way you possess your own spirit, mind and body?

As you move into the stage of life in which you begin to seriously consider marriage generally or a particular relationship, your first step should be to soberly reflect, before God, on your own spiritual walk and maturity in Christ. If you aspire to be a godly husband or wife someday, what have you done and what are you doing to prepare for that ministry?
Second, are you at a place in your life at which you are ready and able to marry? As I've written on this site before, "practice" and "recreation" are not good reasons to date. Dating is for the purpose of finding a marriage partner. In my view, if you can't happily picture yourself married within a year, you're not in a position to date.
Third, once you decide that you are ready to date, look to God's Word to decide the kind of person to date, and evaluate potential dating partners on those criteria, rather than relying primarily on the world's treatment of ideas like "attraction" and "chemistry." I wrote at some length on this in my article, "Brother, You're Like a Six."
For you busy singles with time for only one mildly irritating column per day, the summary is this: Pick a potential dating partner with an eye toward godly manhood and womanhood — with an eye toward who would make a good husband or wife, defined by those characteristics God esteems in His Word, not the ones Hollywood likes.
See what an unsatisfying bumper-sticker treatment that was? You might want to read the full piece.
Men Initiate
Among the different roles assigned to men and women in the Bible, men are assigned the role of leadership. This is true in the church and in the family. This is not a signal of male superiority or of the greater importance of men. It is simply God's design and assignment of equally valuable roles among spiritually equal beings. Men initiate, women respond. Briefly, biblical support for this position is found, among other passages, in the creation order in Genesis 2, in 1 Corinthians 11: 7-9, and Ephesians 5. True, these passages refer to marriage, but it is wise and right to set patterns that will serve you well in marriage, especially if one accepts the premise that the purpose of dating is to find a marriage partner.
What does this actually look like in a budding relationship between two people?
First, the man should initiate asking the woman out. Whether this means approaching the woman herself or her father or someone filling that role instead of her father, it should be the guy that starts things off. As I mentioned, he should not do this until he is "ready" to marry. If you're not ready to marry, you're not ready to date.

As a quick aside, if you are a single man and you would not describe yourself as ready to be married within a year, think about why that is. I mention this for two reasons: 1) Scripture seems not just to encourage, but to assume that part of the growth into biblical manhood is to seek marriage, so this is a biblical goal; and 2) easily the biggest complaint that I and others who advocate this approach get from godly Christian women is that men don't initiate.
If you're still in school or not out on your own, disregard this for the moment. But if you're out of college and do not feel specifically called to singleness for biblical reasons, why are you not looking to be married? Dr. Albert Mohler has talked about a growing culture in society and in our churches of perpetual boyhood; some psychologists call it the "Peter Pan syndrome."
As I said, in the Bible, marriage and family are considered a natural stage of progression toward manhood. The command in Genesis to be fruitful and multiply is a general command. When Paul extols singleness in 1 Corinthians 7 (which is an often-misused passage in this area of life), it is singleness for the purpose of enhanced ministry (discipleship, teaching, missionary work).
If you are floating around staying single because you enjoy social flexibility or having time to yourself or hanging out with the guys or because you have worldly ideas about the perfect woman or how to approach marriage, consider: Are you approaching manhood and marriage biblically? Every male who is out of college should have at least thought this through.
Once he determines he is ready to be married generally, and once he has found a particular woman he is interested in pursuing, our single man's next step is to "put some feelers out." He should talk to some of her friends, see if she's been asking about him, have one or two subtly suggestive conversations with her to see if she gives anything away.... NO! This is not initiation. Initiation is not manipulating the situation so that while you're officially "asking her out" there's no actual risk of rejection or embarrassment.
Initiation means initiation. It means that you as the man take the first step, risk and all.
In his Boundless article, "Real Men Risk Rejection," Michael Lawrence eloquently summarizes both the objections some men might raise to this idea, and, in my view, the ideal response:
'Wait a minute. Are you saying that all the risk is mine?' Yes I am. 'Doesn't that mean that she can just tell me no and leave me twisting in the wind?' Yes it does. Welcome to leadership. Welcome to trusting God. Welcome to being a man. Your cards belong on the table. Your intentions and your feelings, to the extent that you can discern them and it is appropriate for you to share them, should be clear. Part of your role even at this early stage is to protect the woman of your interest from unnecessary risk and vulnerability by providing a safe context in which she can respond.
Women Respond

As it is the man's God-given role to initiate, so it is the woman's God-given role to respond. Her response may be positive or negative, it may occur through her father, her family or words directly to her potential suitor. But whatever the circumstances, her role is as responder, not initiator. As single men need to learn how to lead (whether they like it or not), single women need to learn what it is to let a man assume spiritual leadership in the relationship — and to respond to that leadership. Ultimately, this means learning to trust God's goodness and sovereignty.
Clearly, this is not the popular secular view of the "liberated" woman's role. Hollywood's perfect woman runs with the boys, knows what she wants and is aggressive en route to getting it — especially romantically. Hilariously, Hollywood even writes these characters into period pieces, as if the normal woman at all levels of society in the 18th and 19th centuries was a post-feminist, post-sexual-revolution, "there-ain't-no-difference-between-me-and-you" libertine. But I digress.
Needless to say, that is not the biblical picture of the responder. So what does this picture look like? Does this mean that a woman should never ask a man out on a first date? I think it does. Does this mean that a woman shouldn't give the guy the assurance he needs by "leaking" news of her interest to him by way of his friends? Again, I think so.
"Wait," you say. "What if I'm really interested in a man and he just isn't getting it and I need to move him along?" Don't. When men drop the ball on leadership (as we often do), it presents a temptation for the woman involved to pick up the reins and lead for him. This is no less true within marriage. Picking up the reins sets a terrible pattern that only confuses the roles in the relationship and encourages both of you to take the role of the other to the detriment of the relationship and ultimately the marriage.
The Lord is sovereign. If it doesn't work out with a particular guy because he didn't step up, the Lord will cause something else to work out. He knows what is best for each of us, and all of us must learn to trust Him — especially about things that are really important to us.
Accountability

Finally, let me advocate the initiating of a relationship under some accountability structure. I mentioned the woman's father or family because until the second half of the 20th century, that's largely how it was done. The idea was to protect the woman from potential hurt or awkwardness, to aid her in evaluating a man whom she might not have known well at the time of his initiation, and to help ensure that the relationship was carried out honorably.
Certainly, this norm spread beyond the believing community and became more of a cultural phenomenon, but it still gels well with attempts to carry out a godly dating relationship — especially among those believers who hold a complementarian view of biblical gender roles.
In this day and age, however, the hard fact is that many single Christian women have fathers who are not involved in their lives at all, are not believers, or are indifferent to or unaware of the notion of protecting and shepherding their daughters and potential suitors in a dating context.
Where that is the case, a natural alternative might be some married individual or couple within the woman's (or man's) church community. Ladies, this doesn't mean that you have to cut your would-be suitor off mid-sentence, take off running and shout your father's (or whomever's) name and phone number over your shoulder as you go. It may mean that you explain to him that before you are willing to go out with him, he needs to meet person or couple X and discuss it with them or with the two of you.

If you don't desire that sort of protection or aid, at least insist that the two of you begin to meet with others who know one or both of you well so that there will be consistent accountability and an outside perspective on how the relationship is going. Humble openness to accountability is essential to a godly relationship.
So that's my take on initiation. It's not exhaustive coverage, I realize, but this should at least get your relationship started on broad principles.

How Biblical Dating is Different From Modern Dating.

Looking for countercultural path to marriage? Here's how to apply God's Word to dating, finding a spouse and getting married.
The system today's young men and women have inherited for finding and marrying a future spouse leaves a lot to be desired. We often hear complaints from readers about the confusion, hurt and sexual sin they've encountered despite their best intentions. Many want to know how they can go about getting to know someone and eventually getting married without getting hurt or compromising their faith.
At Focus on the Family, we've offered a range of resources and expert advice bringing biblical principles to bear in this area. Some of the messages we've presented have taken the position that Christians can apply their faith in such a way that they can still work within the system they've inherited. Other messages have stressed that Christians need to be much more counter-cultural. Joshua Harris, for instance, has promoted a model of courtship that harkens back to a model used broadly before modern dating evolved.
People attempting to follow a courtship model within today's culture, however, often run into a lot of practical questions, such as, "What if her dad is unavailable or uninterested in being involved?" or "What do you do when you live hundreds of miles from your family?"
The goal of this series of articles, beginning with this introduction, is to provide our readers with a place to bring those questions. Scott Croft is an elder at Capitol Hill Baptist Church where he teaches a seminar on friendship, courtship and marriage. He is also an attorney who is used to tackling tough questions.
The answers he brings may be different from anything you've heard before. The topics he's going to be dealing with are ones in which equally committed Christians have found different biblical interpretations. Not all will agree with Scott's approach, and we invite feedback from anyone who believes there are better interpretations for the biblical passages Scott draws from.
It's our hope that this Q&A series will be valuable both for those who think the Bible gives sufficient guidance for operating within our current system as well as for those who are looking for a completely countercultural path to marriage.
* * *
If you're reading this, you're interested in dating. You've done it, you're doing it, you'd like to do it, or you need to teach somebody else how to do it. Don't worry. You're not alone. In our society, dating has become something of an obsession. It is expected to be a universal phenomenon. It's just something you do if you're single and of age (and that age is quickly dropping) in America. It is considered the natural precursor to marriage, and is generally considered something to be desired, whatever form it might take.
It's also big business. If you were to Google the word "matchmaker," you would receive something in the neighborhood of 21,200,000 responses — with a few of these outfits claiming to be Christian, but most making no such claim. "Dating" will get you 790,000,000 hits.
As evangelical Christians, we're called to be distinct in the ways we think and act about all issues that confront us and those around us. This topic is no exception. So is there such a thing as biblical dating? If so, what is it? How can Christians think differently about this pervasive issue in media and culture? How are we doing so far?

The answer to that last question is "not well." Surveys consistently indicate that professing Christians behave almost exactly like non-Christians in terms of sexual involvement outside of marriage (in both percentage of people involved and how deeply involved they are — how far they're going), living together before marriage, and infidelity and divorce after marriage. In fact, depending on which statistics one believes, the divorce rate for professing Christians may actually be higher than for Americans as a whole. Granted, not all of these people are evangelicals, but we're not doing so well either. Indeed, the central issue we need to confront — and the reason I write and speak on this topic — is that when it comes to dating and relationships, perhaps more than in any other area of the everyday Christian life, the church is largely indistinguishable from the world. That truth has brought immeasurable emotional pain and other consequences to many Christians. Worse, it has brought great dishonor to the name of Christ and to the witness of individuals and the church.
It doesn't have to be this way. For Christians, the Lord has given us His Word, and the Holy Spirit helps us to understand it. We have brothers and sisters in Christ to hold us accountable and to help us apply the Word to our lives. If you're a Christian, that's the biblical life you're called to.
That's what I hope this column will be about — applying God's Word to dating, finding a spouse and getting married.
Scripture Rules

I have to start by explaining the theological doctrine that drives the approach I want to outline (and advocate). That doctrine is called the sufficiency of Scripture. Almost all professing evangelical Christians are familiar with and vigorously defend the doctrine of the inerrancy of Scripture (which states that the Bible is the authoritative Word of God, it's true, and it contains no falsity or error). I certainly agree with the inerrancy of Scripture, but that's not what I'm talking about here. The doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture assumes inerrancy but then goes a step further. This doctrine simply holds that the Bible is sufficient to guide and instruct us authoritatively in all areas of our faith and life, and that there is no area of life about which the Bible has no guidance for us. The sufficiency of Scripture is taught explicitly and implicitly in many passages, but perhaps the most obvious is 2 Timothy 3:16-17:

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
So how does the sufficiency of Scripture apply to our coming discussions? Well, many evangelicals who otherwise believe in the inerrancy of the Bible and who might generally agree with the sufficiency of Scripture have nonetheless embraced the world's ideas about dating. In doing so, some make the argument that Scripture doesn't speak to this topic. I believe it does. The Bible speaks to every area of our faith and life at some level. Some things it talks about explicitly, like salvation or sanctification or marriage or elders. The Bible guides us in some areas by broader, more general principles and ideas we can build on as we strive to live the Christian life in practical ways. In either case, no area of life falls totally outside of the guidance and authority of God's Word.
My point is that we cannot simply state that the Bible "doesn't mention dating or courtship," and then think we're off the hook to pursue this area of our lives either on the world's terms or however seems best to us without diligent, submissive reference to God's Word. If the doctrine of the sufficiency of Scripture is true, then God's Word does have authoritative guidance for us about how we might best glorify God in this area of our lives. That means our conversation has to be a biblical conversation. I mention the sufficiency of Scripture as part of the groundwork for this column because it's one of those doctrines that touches every area of our lives, and it is at the heart of the approach to dating (and life) that we'll talk about here.
Biblical Dating
OK. Let's take care of some basic definitions. We may define biblical dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:
That begins (maybe) with the man approaching and going through the woman's father or family;
that is conducted under the authority of the woman's father or family or church; and
that always has marriage (or at least a determination regarding marriage to a specific person) as its direct goal.
The Scriptural support for the idea of biblical dating is largely by example and implication. We will look at a number of passages over the course of our discussions that support various aspects of biblical dating, but for the moment, let me just give you some references to study:
1 Corinthians 6:9-7:19 (command to be pure, seriousness of sexual sin and instructions regarding marriage)
1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 (do not wrong or defraud one another in relationships — by implying a relationship or commitment by your words or conduct that does not actually exist)
Song of Solomon 2:7 ("do not awaken love before it pleases" — i.e. before the proper time, meaning marriage)
Proverbs 6:20-7:27 (warning to avoid sexual sin and foolish relationships)
James 1:13-15 (temptation is to be taken very seriously)
Romans 13:8-14 (love others, work for their soul's good; don't look to please self)
Romans 14:1-15:7 (favor others, not self ... value what's good to their souls)
1 Timothy 5:1-2 (treat single women as sisters in Christ, with absolute purity)
Titus 2:1-8 (young men and women should focus on self-control/godliness)
John 14:15 (if you love Christ, you will obey His commands — read: above your own desires — and live biblically)
We'll talk more about these and other passages as we deal with other topics in this series.
Modern Dating

We may basically define modern dating as a method of introduction and carrying out of a pre-marital relationship between a single man and a single woman:
that begins with either the man or the woman initiating with the other;
that is conducted outside the formal oversight or authority of either person's family or church; and
that may or may not have marriage as its goal and is often purely "recreational" or "educational."
Now, the biblical support for the modern approach to dating ... (insert crickets, tumbleweeds, person whistling here).... That was it. There isn't any. The very idea of extended romantic or sexual involvement outside of marriage doesn't even appear in Scripture unless it is described as illicit (sinful). Furthermore, it doesn't even appear in any society, western or otherwise, in any systematic way until the 20th century. While the principles supporting biblical dating have their beginnings with the very structure of the family, modern dating has its origins with the sexual revolution of the 1960s. It is brand new, and yet, seemingly, it is all we know.
Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Dating
So what's the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:

Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person's life before marriage. In fact, it advocates "playing the field" in order to determine "what one wants" in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex ... your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional "wiring" or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complementarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).
Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.
Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.
Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will "meet all my needs and desires," and a bad one won't — it's essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.
Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes no physical intimacy and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.
Modern dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.
Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical dating in terms of their respective philosophies:

Modern dating seems to be about "finding" the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site, "Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend"); biblical dating is more about "being" the right person to serve my future spouse's needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.
In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical dating, commitment precedes intimacy.
The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don't, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical dating, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.
I'm supremely confident that as we go back and forth in the coming months, some — perhaps many — of you will disagree (if you don't already) or be initially annoyed at some of my statements. Ask yourself why. What are you trying to hold onto that you think this approach will take from you (privacy, autonomy, a secular idea of freedom or of your own rights)?

I have a particular challenge for those of you whose main objection is that the practical details we'll talk about here "are not explicitly biblical": think about the details of how you conduct (or would like to conduct) your dating life. Can you find explicit support for the modern approach in Scripture? Are there even broad principles in Scripture that justify the modern vision of dating (or yours, whatever it may be)? The Bible simply doesn't give us explicit instructions on some of what we'll discuss. Fair enough. In such a situation, we should ask what gets us closest to clear biblical teaching. In other words, within the many gray areas here, what conduct in our dating lives will help us to best care for our brothers and sisters in Christ and bring honor to His name?
That's it. That's a basic framework for biblical dating as best I can discern it from the principles of God's Word. Now, you're on. No question is too broad or too specific, too theoretical, too theological, or too practical. Agree with what I've said, or challenge it. This is how iron sharpens iron.

Just remember one thing: we're in this together — for His Glory.

3 Things Men Should Know Before Tying the Knot

When I was single, I wrote a description of the kind of wife I expected to have and the kind of husband I thought I would be. I’m grateful I’ve lost that embarrassing list, but I do recall that many of my expectations centered on three areas: my confidence in instant maturity as a husband, the assumption of a near-perfect sex life and the expectation of non-stop infatuation.
God loved me too much to give me what I thought I wanted, and instead He gave me what I needed: a lovely, complicated and imperfect woman named Raquel. She came to marriage with her own expectations, desires and needs; and after eight years of working through marriage with her, I now see some things I wish I had known beforehand.

1. Being a below-average husband is easier than you think.
During my first year of marriage, I attended a weekly group with a couple of men from church. One night we were talking about emotional blind spots, and my friend Aaron raised the question of areas of our lives others might consider “distasteful.”
When I asked my buddy Patrick if he could think of any distasteful areas of my life, he readily said yes. Patrick isn’t a hypercritical person, so I was surprised by his response and asked him to tell me more.
"I often get embarrassed by the way you talk to Raquel in public,” He said. “I think you can be very rude to her, and it's hard to listen to sometimes.”
I was startled. I knew Raquel and I had tension that sometimes bubbled over into public disagreement, but I saw it as cute, first-year-of-marriage head butting. Plus, in the back of my mind, I felt like people would understand that I was just setting healthy boundaries with a strong-willed wife. Apparently they didn't — at least Patrick didn't.
After the conversation with Patrick, I interviewed a few friends to get their unvarnished opinions about areas where I needed to grow. Their answers were hard to hear, primarily because they were repeating many of the same unflattering observations I had heard from Raquel. Most of my adult life I had either lived alone or I had roommates who weren’t around much, so I had no idea how hard it was to live with me. Essentially, I was insulated from opportunities to get painfully familiar with my weaknesses.
You can probably relate to my naiveté. You’ve got all kinds of not-so-adorable quirks that people tolerate on a regular basis — and I’m not talking about things like leaving the toilet seat up or squeezing the toothpaste in the middle. I’m talking about major character flaws you’ll never recognize on your own and you’ll probably never see unless you voluntarily look into the mirror of other people’s feedback. It’s painful, but you’ll be better prepared to be a good husband if you begin facing the truth now and figure out ways to make life easier for the woman you may marry one day.

2. Sex is awesome, but it takes effort.
This is going to sound strange, but I was surprised at how great sex was when I got married. I had talked with so many married folks who made sex sound like such hard work. In retrospect, though, I think they were just doing a poor job of communicating. They probably meant to say that sex is great fun, but the longer you’re married, getting to the fun takes effort that you might not anticipate when you’re single.
It’s like trying to get a bonfire started. Depending on the conditions, it’s much easier or harder to get the flames going. If it’s pouring down rain (think: baby crying or a big argument), you’ll need to pray for a miracle and a lot of patience if you’re even going to get the match lit. On the other hand, if you’ve got a can of gas, dry kindling and a bunch of newspaper (think: a day full of mutual respect or a weekend getaway), you’ll have a raging bonfire in no time. The problem is, when it comes to building sexual bonfires, it’s hard to control unpredictable conditions like hormones, menstrual cycles, unresolved conflict and house guests.
Keeping all this in mind can help you let go of false ideals and prepare for the reality that the best sex lives happen when married couples keep the embers going at all times. That way they don’t have to start bonfires from scratch. And keeping those embers going requires being intimate friends with your spouse. While that was something that used to seem secondary to infatuation when I was single, eight years of marriage has taught me that it’s got to be one of the top priorities if a couple is going to be healthy.

3. Friendship is central to a healthy marriage.
Before I got married I thought I wanted years of infatuation with my wife, but as it turns out, I got something better: deep friendship — and it’s a good thing I did. In his book enGendered, Sam Andreades writes:
People who study marriages tell us something surprising. What makes marriages flourish boils down to one thing. . . . It is not having children or lots of money. It is not good communication or setting up his and her bath towels. It is not good quality time together or date nights. No. It is emotional intimacy.

Andreades then goes on to cite a number of studies that support his general premise: No matter how highly two people think of each other, if they aren’t best friends, they’re less likely to survive over the long haul.
I believe it. Raquel and I have been through a lot over the past eight years — the death of a beloved grandmother, the birth of two kids (and one on the way), the sale of one home, the purchase of two homes, three job changes, three moves and many more difficult circumstances that are too private to mention here. I can’t imagine how damaging some of these events would have been to our relationship if it weren’t for the fact that we’re really good friends.
We enjoy each other — we always have — and we build our friendship through things like rich conversation, praying together, creating intimacy, hosting people, traveling, serving at church together, making each other laugh and playing with our kids. Layer upon layer of these experiences add up over time, and they build a level of trust and camaraderie that is essential for couples when they go through hard times.
If you keep that in mind when you’re single, you’ll realize a relationship is about much more than infatuation. You’ll look for a friend, a person you would enjoy spending time with, and in doing so you’ll have a better chance of potentially finding real passion with someone who loves you as you are.
Proverbs 5:18-19 admonishes young men to “rejoice in the wife of your youth” and adds, “[B]e intoxicated always in her love.” It sounds so alluring when the Bible puts it that way, as I think it should. But just keep in mind that real love is an acquired taste and comes more quickly to the man who will look in the mirror, learn how he can be a better friend to his future wife and then enjoy the fruits of a marriage fueled by real passion.

If our post has helped you, get back to us through our feed back or call our contact.

These 5 Conversations Will Change Your Marriage for Good

How many arguments do you think started because of The Newlywed Game?

You’ve probably seen the game show in one of its many iterations since it first aired in 1966. The concept is simple: Bring in newly married couples. Separate them, then ask them questions about themselves, their relationship, and each other.

Bring them back together and see how well they can guess what their spouse answered. The result was often humorous and always revealing — and it didn’t take a relationship expert to tell which couples were the strongest. The winners were the couples who knew the most about each other.  Those who didn’t found themselves in an emotionally tense situation with their spouse on national television.

Through his years of research with couples, Dr. John Gottman has discovered something that may seem intuitive: In the strongest relationships, each partner is intimately familiar with the other’s world.

Gottman conceptualizes this as a love map, meaning that each partner knows and can navigate the inner-terrain of the one they love. They know their partner’s history, philosophy, raw spots, hopes for their future, and important relationships.

He can name her coworkers, including which ones she grabs lunch with regularly and which ones she avoids in the breakroom. She knows that the holidays have been difficult for him ever since he lost his dad—even though he puts on a brave face for the kids.

This makes sense, and for good reason. One of our most basic needs is the need to be seen, heard, and understood by others. This is why we communicate, connect, and create — we seek to be known by those who are important to us throughout our lives.

Child development expert Dr. Karyn Purvis says that when babies are born, they are looking for someone who is looking for them. From the moment we arrive on the scene, we need to know that we matter to others and our cries are heard. Adult attachment researchers have noted that the need to be seen doesn’t end in childhood, but continues into adulthood — and across the entire span of our life. As we date and mate, we continue to seek out deep, meaningful connections with others. We need to feel deeply known and understood.

This may sound a bit theoretical, but its application is remarkably practical. In your day-to-day life with you partner, find ways to know him or her better. Far too often, what causes relationships to suffer is not a major, life-altering rupture. It is the slow and steady disconnection caused by a lack of intentionally getting to know your partner better each day. The purpose of long-term, committed relationships runs deeper than joining bank accounts and sharing a bed—we mate and marry to love and be loved. As David Augsburger reminds us, being heard and understood is so close to being loved that it’s hard to tell the difference.

By developing a love map for your partner and your relationship, you can deepen your sense of security and connection, creating a safe haven that exists between the two of you. Here are five conversations that will enable you to become intimately familiar with the one you love:

Learn his (or her) history. Your partner lived years of life before he met you — and that history impacts his values, relationships, and outlook on life. By learning about your partner’s history, you can discover valuable information about how his past affects your present life together.

Get to know the characters in her life story. Who was the first person to break her heart? How does she feel about her boss? Who does she like to have fun with on a day off? Knowing who matters to her and how she interacts with others will help you make sense of what is going on in her life.

Know what challenges he is currently facing. If your partner comes home exhausted or short-tempered from work, it would be really helpful to know that he has a big project due and a frustrating team member blocking his progress! Understanding his current stressors can help you have empathy for his feelings — and not take his stress responses personally.

Discuss your values and philosophies on life. Deepening your understanding of what matters to each other can help you in your shared decision-making and enable you both to live more meaningful lives together. Take time to discuss your opinions and experiences concerning spirituality and what it would mean to live a life of significance.

Ask about her hopes and dreams for the future. You want to grow old with this person — you should learn what her expectations are for the journey! As you make big decisions together like what house to buy, what city to live in, or how many children to have, understanding your partner’s hopes for the future will give you a compass to guide you forward.

Whether your current love map is a topographical masterpiece or just a rough sketch, you can improve your connection to the one you love starting today by filling in the blank spots. Take the time to have these five conversations with your partner — they will likely turn into many more. By knowing your partner’s experiences in the past, struggles in the present, and hopes for the future, you can strengthen your relationship and deepen the bond you share.

How to Win a Man's Heart

Six things that matter to men when romantically pursuing a woman
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," my friend told me, with tears in her eyes. "I've been praying for God to bring me the right man ever since I was about 15 years old. But here I am, more than 20 years later, and there are no prospects in sight. I know I should be content with God's path for me, but I really want to be married."
My friend Liz is like hundreds of single Christian women I have met over the years: She is bright, beautiful, funny, godly, a great catch … which the right guy has yet to pluck out of the sea. Since she knew I'd studied how men think, she approached me for advice knowing that it might not be "her" but still wanting a reality check just in case there was something she was doing (or not doing) that was preventing her from winning a man's heart. Although I haven't started the in-depth research project on singles that I'm planning on undertaking shortly, I've spoken to enough men over the last 12 years to know that these things matter to them:

Don't just look for the right one; be the right one.
Finding the right man is important. Finding the perfect man, however, is completely unrealistic. What's more, guys can often tell you're subconsciously expecting a Superman that they can never live up to, so they back away.

Instead, find a great man by being a great woman. Don’t just look for the right traits in him, but work on the right traits in you. And that starts with your own relationship with God.
"You can't force a woman into a right standing with God, no matter how cute she might be," Mike, a single guy in his mid-20s, told me recently. He added, "I think truly godly women don't try to get attention for being that way. There is a certain feeling a man gets when he is being drawn in by a truly godly woman. She can't fake it."
So work on yourself. Face the fact that you tend to snap at people under pressure, or stretch the truth when cornered; that will pay off in a more appealing character and confidence anyway.
Be confident in yourself, not desperate.
Ask your close friends — the ones who will be honest — whether you come across as confident or as desperate around guys. The first is attractive; the second a turn-off. You may find you've been signaling desperation by something as simple as always putting your hand on a guy's arm or always trying to sit next to him when the gang goes for pizza.
Most of all, don't look to a guy to make you feel complete. Only God can do that; only He can handle that pressure. Instead, relax and be confident in who you are and who He has made you to be. As Mike mentioned earlier: That's attractive.
Take care of yourself.

When promised total anonymity, the men in my research for For Women Only were honest about something awkward to discuss but important to know. The brain wiring governing attraction simply functions differently for a man than a woman; most men have to be visually, physically attracted before they can see a woman as anything other than a friend. Which means it is vital for him to see that a woman takes care of herself physically.
That doesn't mean she has to be a supermodel. In fact, the guys emphasized they loved our individuality and wished we weren't so paranoid about it. But it does mean that the physical "spark" more likely comes when a woman takes care of herself and stays healthy (which is also another signal of that confidence we talked about earlier).
Quietly let him know you're interested in him.
So now let's move to the next level. Suppose you are in fact in a good place physically, spiritually and emotionally, and a certain someone has caught your eye. What do you do now? Well, the best thing you can do is get to know him as a friend but in a way that lets him know you prefer his company over others. That way he won't feel it is such a risk to try to move beyond friendship.
Many men told me that when it comes to women, "guys are chicken." They won't risk humiliation if there's a chance they'll be rejected, so they need to have a pretty good idea that you're interested before they'll take that step.

"For me, body language goes a long way," Mike said. Then he laughed, "And I don't mean sexual body language. That means she needs to be drawn closer to Christ, which means I need to switch to personal ministry instead of personal chemistry! But if I can see a confident, yet relaxed expression on a woman's face, coupled with signals that indicate she is being more than 'just friends', I can certainly take a hint! And for a more direct approach, I would personally prefer an invitation to a group gathering or low-pressure date like coffee."
I asked another single man, Dave, what the more-than-just-friends "signals" were. "She can spark my interest by not being pushy, encouraging me, and doing things that I enjoy."
Now you may think Dave's advice sounds pretty generic, but as you'll see shortly, some vital wisdom is buried in those words — both to begin a relationship and as you deepen it.
Let him lead.
As you saw from Mike, it's not that guys always dislike a girl making the first move. But if a girl does that consistently, it allows a guy to be passive. Actually, it encourages him to be passive. Guys are stirred to action by both sensing a woman's interest and by feeling the need to be the leader in the relationship.
That means not pursuing him, letting him make most of the first moves to ask you out or turn a friendship into a romance, and — perhaps hardest of all for us gals — stopping yourself from rushing or forcing your relationship over time.
My husband, Jeff, and I met during what was my first year of graduate school and his last. We got to be good friends over the course of six months, did a lot of things together in groups, went to lunch after church with just each other, and spent a lot of time hanging out — all with absolutely no signals from him as to whether he was thinking about anything more. It drove me nuts. I wanted to make something happen, especially since he was about to graduate! Didn't he realize that if he graduated without any kind of definition to our relationship that the distance would sink us?
Well, this was my first lesson in learning how to respect and trust a man: by not trying to control everything, which, since respect is a man’s greatest emotional need, is what a man most needs to see in a woman for a long-term relationship.

What I didn't know was that Jeff was pondering the exact same things and praying about it. For months, he had been talking to his pastor and friends in-depth behind the scenes. It was torture for me, but thank God I didn't try to take matters into my own hands. Like most guys, Jeff needed a woman who would be willing to trust him both initially and for all the years to come.
With that said, pray for discernment and guidance. If he doesn't seem to be interested in deepening your relationship (even your friendship), there’s always the possibility that you're holding onto a hope that isn't going anywhere. If so, you would do far better to open yourself up emotionally to others. It may help to seek counsel from wise friends (who know both of you), and be willing to listen if they break it to you that he just doesn't seem interested "that way."
Men love hearing that you admire them.
Finally, as you deepen your friendship and eventually your romance, the guys were very clear about what most appealed to them: They love knowing that their woman admires them.
Another thing my research taught me is that no matter how confident a guy looks on the outside, on the inside he is always afraid that he's going to be found out as an imposter. Every day he worries that someday, someone is going to realize he has no idea what he's doing at work, as a boyfriend, in his activities, and so on, and everything is going to fall apart. The secret cry of a man's heart is, "Do I measure up? Does anyone think I'm good at what I do?" And he is looking to those around him for the answer to that question.

And that most especially includes you, his girlfriend. You have a unique ability to speak life into a special man. And in doing so, you will touch his heart in a very deep way.
Tell him you're proud of him for being so good at something he does well — whether it's his job, the way he handled that difficult situation at church, or even beating the last level of his favorite video game. If you think he's godly, romantic and funny, let him know. Don't leave him guessing at how you feel about him. And believe it or not, the most important words that will win a man's heart are not "I love you," but "thank you." Thank him for what he does for you ("thanks for coming over and fixing the sink for my roommate and me; you're awesome") and that will win his heart more than almost anything else.
I know it may sound like you're just puffing up his ego, but this isn't about ego. For a guy, it's about knowing that a special woman believes he can take on the world. A world he ultimately wants to share with a special woman, just as much as you want to share it with a special man.

5 Secrets Nobody EVER Tells You About Winning His Heart Forever

Here's what guys are really looking for (but won't—or can't tell you)!

As most women have noticed, there are two types of men:

Behind curtain #1 is the type of guy who is absolutely smitten with his girlfriend — he puts her on a pedestal, treats her like a queen, and places her happiness above his own. And behind curtain #2 is the type who's labeled as a "commitment-phobe" — he doesn't appear to enjoy being in a relationship, acting as if his commitment is of the involuntary kind.

But while most women think that the second type of guy is in the majority, statistics actually say otherwise.

In fact, a 2013 study found that 95 percent of men openly admit to seeing marriage as one of their ultimate life goals.

It all comes down to how a man views commitment. To a guy, it's like cracking a combination lock; if the numbers don't line up, he'll be emotionally distant and unavailable, rather than all in. He might even come up with several one-liner excuses that women undoubtedly find frustrating: "I need to focus on my career," "I just need space," or, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

But these one-liners aren't lies. He really believes what he's saying because the "numbers" of his commitment code aren't lining up.

In other words, when he says, "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now," what he really means is, "I'm just not ready for a relationship with you."

When he finally comes across that one woman who creates the right sequence of "numbers" to unlock his commitment combination, he'll feel compelled to hang onto her. He'll commit because he doesn't want to risk losing her.

So, now we know commitment isn't some sort of man allergy. What you have to do is learn how to crack his commitment code.

Easier said than done, of course, considering the average man isn't great at communicating his emotional needs. That's where I come in!

Here are five things guys (won't tell you they) need before they'll commit.

1. He needs you to desire him

One of the keys to learning how to make your man happy is basic, animalistic desire. In the pit of his stomach, he needs to want you, long for you, yearn for you. He needs to miss you when you're not around and he needs to feel a pang of lust when he hasn't seen you for some time. 

This desire is created through the play of opposites. He'll crave you and then he catches you; he'll miss you and then falls into you; he'll lust for you and then you'll surrender to him. It's the creating and the release of tension over and over again.


The way you create this tension is through your sexuality — tease him and then give in, playfully run from him and then allow him to capture you, add levity and spontaneity to his life, give him lustful stares and then leave the room, send him sexy notes during the day, grab him and kiss him unexpectedly. In summation, use your powerful feminine qualities to contrast his serious and calculated masculine nature.

2. He needs your respect.

Respect is a cardinal virtue; it is the foundation of any relationship that endures and stands the test of time. Respect can help re-ignite a relationship long after the flame of love and lust has sputtered. Many men marry the woman who respects him, even over the woman who loves him.

Men may sleep with, talk to, and care about the woman they love (and lust), but often love only isn't all they need.

A lot of this has to do with the term "I love you." To a man and a woman, this term can have different meanings. A man may interpret it as "don't hurt me" or even "you're trapped." Men see the love from a woman as more of a commodity than something novel.

Of course, the words make him feel good when he hears them, but they don't sing to his soul. Men have crippling inadequacies they silently battle their entire lives.

So, figure out why you respect your man. What are you proud of him for? What can you acknowledge him for? How can you make him feel good about himself? Then, tell him. Don't tell him merely that you love him, tell him why you love him.

Another way to express your respect is to apologize when you've made a mistake or said something wrong. You (and he) must make the relationship more important than individual egos. When he knows you respect his character, he will let you in deeper, exposing other tender parts of his soul where he needs healing and support.


3. He needs to feel emotionally safe.
The third thing to keep in mind when learning how to keep your man happy is his emotional health. By surrendering your anger, bitterness, or any resentment you have toward him, you give him safe passage to be vulnerable.

This happens through you trusting him. And then, he can trust you. You both allow yourself to be vulnerable and that helps a relationship work. But for this vulnerability to take off, women typically must be the initiators. Men are looking for someone to lead them into the vulnerable abyss.

It is a woman's courage to open up and let down her guard that inspires men to lay down their psychological shields and relax.


So how do you do this? Well, it helps by learning how men think. He has to know that you won't judge or criticize him. He needs to feel supported, accepted, and encouraged that you are on his side. He needs to know that you won't tell your friends or (worse) your mother about any mistakes he makes. He needs to know that you'll stand up for him when others say bad things about him. He needs to know that you'll confront any injustices or problems head on.

4. He needs you to challenge him.

At the core of every man is challenge. Men grow through challenge. Challenge speaks to the part of their masculinity that innately makes them want to conquer and win. Challenge is the path men take to attain success, which ultimately makes them feel respected.

In a nutshell, it really comes down to having a strong sense of your own values — knowing what is important to you and standing by it. This creates the challenge that strengthens the relationship. Another element of this challenge is being able to confront a man when you feel like those values are compromised.


This may require you confronting him when you think he owes you an apology, rather than letting it fall by the wayside. When you can confront him, he'll find you incredibly attractive. Even if his first reaction is anger, the fact that you can stand up to him will change the way he looks at you. It will challenge him to be a better man.

5. He needs to feel awe and wonder. 

The final step in learning how to keep your man happy is good, old-fashioned excitement. Even acting a little crazy is a good thing; crazy, not insane — skinny-dipping in the ocean is good, but faking your own kidnapping because he's been working too late is not.

All too often, women are taught to feel bad about being emotional, feeling 'crazy,' and acting unpredictable. But these feminine qualities are actually attractive to men. Thus, embrace your femininity and allow it to enliven your relationship. This can help a man fall deeper and deeper in love with you.

When you embody your instinctual feminine nature, you create the space for him to say things like —"There is just something about her that I love."

Summing up the codes is simple: Keep these tips in mind when you're looking for ways on how to keep your man happy:

Look for areas where you can be more sexual, playful, and teasing.
Find ways to acknowledge him for things he does that may go unnoticed.
Be proud of him for something that matters.
Trust yourself that you are strong enough to let down your guard around him, because when you do, the two of you can be real with one another.
Challenge yourself by standing by your values in life.
Be yourself; be who you're meant to be.
You don't need to think like a man to be successful with men, and you don't need to hide your femininity to have a working relationship.

Let it out, be crazy, be dramatic, and have fun. Own it. He'll love you more for it.

10 Signs you Have Trust Issues and How to Begin Healing

Trust issues may be your number one obstacle to connection, warmth, and intimacy.

When you’re experiencing trust issues, you cannot extend yourself, or make yourself vulnerable in relationships, which is essential to lasting success, according to experts. This post offers unmistakable signs and symptoms of trust issues and points toward their resolution.

But before we get into the 10 signs of trust issues, let’s get the bad news out of the way.
The bad news about trust issues….

Overcoming your trust issues, if you have them, is probably going to be difficult. If you have real trust issues, you’ve been hurt in the past. Your trust issues are held in place by fear of being betrayed, humiliated, taken advantage of or otherwise manipulated all over again. This may make the risk appear insurmountable.

Your trust issues are based on real life experience, some of it probably originating in childhood, although this isn’t always the case. Some adults legitimately experience horrific betrayal and pain at the hands of others. Trust issues show up as a natural defense mechanism.

Why is it so difficult to let go of trust issues?

One surprising reason stands above all. Prejudice.

Not in a racial sense. Legitimately obtained trust issues color your thinking, however, causing you to anticipate negative consequences should you let down your guard. The prejudice (pre-judging) here is an ongoing suspicion that people are going to hurt you in some way.

Joshua Coleman, Ph.D. at Berkely.Edu discusses hypervigilance in one of his pieces on trust and betrayal. Coleman suggests being hypervigilant after a betrayal is evolutionarily intended to keep us from haplessly wandering into another betrayal. The downside of such hypervigilance is that it keeps you isolated from others.

You look for the signs. You play movies in your head of how someone is going to take advantage of you. You predict betrayal. The fear and anticipation of pain keep the trust issues alive, giving them newfound relevance.

Unfortunately, trust issues inevitably turn into self-sabotage. For example, when you don’t trust, you don’t connect with others. Missing out on chances to get to know people, to network, form friendships, and intimate relationships can only be called self-deprivation.

Lack of self-confidence, missed opportunities, loneliness, and even social anxiety are the results of this kind of self-sabotage, which is maintained by painful trust issues that will not relent. You’ve got your reasons for self-sabotage in the form of very real trust issues. However, it is self-sabotage nonetheless.

Overcoming trust issues requires seeing things differently.

Seeing trust issues, not as a self-protective, but as self-sabotaging is one way to motivate yourself to work through them. This isn’t necessarily easy or obvious. The pain you’ve experienced is real and must be validated. And there does exist the possibility of being hurt again. Worse, if you’re already anticipating a breach of trust, then you’re also likely to be hypersensitive to apparent breaches, even when they don’t exist or aren’t intended.

You’re in an emotional double bind. Damned if you do trust, damned if you don’t. Understanding the various signs of trust issues is a starting point toward resolution. Below are 10.

10 Signs of Trust Issues

1. You predict how people will betray you without evidence of betrayal.

If you’re with someone who has a track record of misdeeds, a lack of trust is appropriate. You should proceed fully aware of his or her potential to be devious. However, many of us have trust issues with people who never shown any sign of untrustworthiness.

Still, we anticipate the breach. Why? Trust issues from past experience are being cast into the perceived future, contaminating the present relationship.

2. You trust people you have no business trusting.

It’s counterintuitive, but it happens all the time. When you have trust issues, you may often place your trust in those who are mostly likely to take advantage of you. Your trust issues at this point have become an emotional self-fulfilling prophecy, as if you were unconsciously confirming how untrustworthy people are.

3. You trust people too quickly.

It may be due to the self-fulfilling prophecy, but this one may also come from failing to understand how trust works. Trust is earned. As an adult, you’re best off starting with an open mind and extending trust to people as they build a track record with you.

If you’re not experienced with creating trusted relationships, you may extend trust blindly.

4. Sharing is not caring.

With flaring trust issues, sharing isn’t caring. It may feel more like emotional masochism. It takes trust to open up and share your thoughts and feelings. Trust issues predict that other people will use your inward feelings against you at some point, so it’s best to be guarded.

5. Your relationships are shallow, even if you aren’t.

You may be a deep thinking and feeling person, but your relationships that are marred by trust issues will be shallow. You’ll be ‘protecting’ your inner, truer self and not openly sharing, so your relationships will be based on lighter, less threatening communication about external things.

6. Emotional commitment? Uh—no!

Trust issues dictate that you live in a world of anticipated loss. Your relationships don’t feel solid or grounded. At some level, you believe betrayal is inevitable. This makes it difficult to commit emotionally. You do not want to become attached to something you already ‘know’ you are going to lose.

7. Genuine mistakes are seen as awful breaches of trust.

People are imperfect, we all know that. If you have trust issues, however, you may not be able to tolerate others’ imperfection when you see their mistakes though the prejudice of trust issues.

• If she’s running late, she’s hiding something from you.
• When he speaks loudly, he secretly hates you.
• If she can’t talk right now, she is rejecting you.
• When he won’t let you scan through his phone, he has a secret lover.
• If she doesn’t want to have sex tonight, she is not into you anymore.

8. Others may see you as self-righteous, impossible to please or unforgiving.

Your trust issues don’t just affect you. They dictate how you respond to others. When you find it hard to trust, and follow some of the signs mentioned above, others will find you difficult. For example, when your girlfriend who is running late arrives to find you suspicious, she’s probably not going to be inspired to console you. More likely, she will expect you to apologize for being so suspicious.

If when your friend can’t talk right now, you respond with accusations, he is not going to feel encouraged to talk to you anytime soon. One author put it this way…
Of course, it doesn’t have to be this way, but often is.

9. You feel lonely, isolated, and like an outcast.

When you cannot trust people enough to share your true self, no one is going to know or witness your true self. Without being known to others, you’ll feel lonely and perhaps like you don’t belong.

There are reasons you learned not to trust. Most likely, those reasons have everything to do with one or two specific people in your past. However, the mind naturally generalizes lessons learned. Without realizing it, you now have trust issues with most people. Unless you have a few people who know you – whom you really do trust – it’s hard to feel like you belong.

You may even feel like a total fake – an impostor – who fears being discovered as an illegitimate person.

10. Despair

All of this may lead to depression and despair. Since it is impossible to be socially adjusted without trusting others to some degree, and when it is painful to consider trusting anyone, you may feel trapped in a world in which you don’t feel like you belong.

Despair and depression are the likely results of this double bind.

Letting Go of Trust Issues so you can Live and Love more Fully

trust issuesWorking through trust issues can feel like walking on broken glass. You just know you’re going to bleed.

This will take more courage than you’ve given yourself the luxury of exercising in a while. And it will be worth the effort, and the blood, if you persist.

I won’t sugar coat it because I’ve been there. The above signs of trust issues didn’t come through academic research.

They came from my own memory. I’ve been there.

Learning to trust someone with your mind and heart in spite of a mountain of trust issues is the accomplishment of a lifetime. And it’s an emotionally demanding process.

You’ll probably need a trust partner to help you.

Letting go, regardless, requires one thing above all: Taking the risk of being hurt.

The process looks something like this:

1. Be willing to risk the pain of learning to trust.
2. Find a trust partner (a therapist or coach, if they understand trust issues, can work).
3. Learn how trust works (how it is earned and how to extend it).
3. Take emotional risks with your trust partner.
4. Confront your trust prejudice, suspicions, fears and painful feelings around trust as you take calculated risks.
5. Learn from the process, rinse and repeat until you can consciously trust and know how to extend trust well.

The Elephant in the Room

The elusive obvious is that if you trust people, even when you do it well, you are inevitably going to be let down. People aren’t perfect. They make their choices and that doesn’t always work in your favor. Some people are not empathetic at all in their decisions. You’ll get hurt from time to time.

This is life.

They key here is not to avoid emotional pain, but to learn to hurt well. Since no one is exempt from pain, you should aspire to endure it, to process it thoroughly and learn the right lessons, not those ‘lessons’ that come from fear and avoidance. This means feeling things fully. It means shedding tears of grief and loss. You can feel vulnerable and afraid and yet press on with faith that there are people in this world who are indeed worthy of your trust.

Truly trustworthy people may be few and far between, actually. The good news is you only need a couple of people in your life that you know and feel you can trust deeply.

Suggested research:

To learn how self-sabotage works, watch this free and enlightening video.

To learn more about learning to trust again, check out Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships.

The Top 10 Myths Behind Masturbation

Masturbation still gets a bad rap in society, probably because it is a private sexual behavior rarely shared or discussed in public — even with the closest of friends.

But masturbation is a normal part of sexuality in humans, even if they are involved in a relationship with another person. Even though some people are still often taught in childhood that masturbation is something to avoid doing, researchers and experts in sexuality agree that masturbation is a normal, healthy sexual behavior.

There is nothing wrong with you if you masturbate, or if you choose not to. Between the ages of 18 and 60, somewhere between 54 to 72 percent of women, depending on age, acknowledge masturbating regularly, according to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB, 2009). For men, the number is higher — between 72 and 84 percent masturbate at least once a month, depending on their age. Nearly 84 percent of men aged 25-29 engage in masturbation the most. The same age group in women also masturbates the most (nearly 72 percent).

Most women who masturbate do so monthly, or a few times a month. Most men who masturbate do so weekly or multiple times a week, according to the NSSHB survey.

Common Masturbation Myths

In the articles below, we answer the top ten myths regarding masturbation.

1.Does masturbation cause blindness?
2.Do spouses continue to masturbate after marriage?
3.Why are people so embarrassed about masturbation?
4.Why do women often have trouble reaching orgasm during intercourse?
5.How much masturbation is too much?
6.What do I tell my “touchy” toddler?
7.Will eating Kellogg’scornflakes make me stop doing it?
8.Is shower massager masturbation okay?
9.Can masturbation help me learn to have an orgasm?
10.Should I tell my partner that I masturbate?
Remember — masturbation is a normal part of human sexuality. While it may be embarrassing to discuss with others, it’s nothing to be ashamed of (as long as it is done in private and in moderation).

It’s also perfectly okay if you don’t like to masturbate, or don’t find it all that exciting to you. Human sexuality is a spectrum of behavior, all of which is perfectly normal. As the NSSHB survey notes, “There is enormous variability in the sexual repertoires of U.S. adults, with more than 40 combinations of sexual activity described at adults’ most recent sexual event.”

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB) was conducted by researchers at Indiana University and includes the sexual experiences and condom-use behaviors of 5,865 adolescents and adults ages 14 to 94.