15 Secrets of Happy Families

From the Brady Bunch and Partridge Family to the Cleavers, Cunninghams, and Cosbys, images of happy families have rarely been in short supply. We all have ideas about what they should look like.

Does yours fit the portrait of a happy family? If not, don't despair. Now WebMD is letting you in on a few of the secrets to a happy family. You, too, can experience some of the domestic bliss that seemed previously reserved just for TV families.

Happy Family Secret No. 1: Enjoy Each Other

The essence of a happy family is that they truly uplift each other and that all comes down to how they treat each other, says Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, a New York-based family and relationship counselor and host of The Learning Channel's Shalom in the Home. "There is a joy that characterizes their interaction," says Boteach, father of eight children and author of several books, including the forthcoming Shalom in the Home. "Parents come home and the kids are happy to see them and when kids come home, the parents are happy to see them."

Happy Family Secret No. 2: Swap Stories

"When your kids come home, ask them what happened in school and have a story for them," he says. "If you come home dejected and not really interested and then five minutes later the TV is on, why would they be happy to see you?"

The bottom line, he says, is that when you come home, your kids have to come first. "You must drop everything you are doing and always come home with something to share with your kids, whether a story or even the smallest vignette," he says. "This way you give your kids something to look forward to. The great bane of family life is boredom and that is what leads to dysfunction, affairs, and kids wanting to be with their friends over family."

Happy Family Secret No. 3: Put the Marriage First

"Set a real example of love," Boteach says. "The relationship and Marriage must come first." Think Carol and Mike Brady of the Brady Bunch and Cliff and Clair Huxtable of the Cosby Show.

There are many families where kids always come first, says Boteach. Then they become substitute providers of love, he says. "That's an unfair burden to put on a kid." It's also bad for families, he says, "because kids will move out of the house eventually."

How To End A Relationship In Your 30’S

When you are in your 30s, you begin to realize your expectations about dating had changed when you were in your 20s. During this time, you’ve been in many relationships, probably some serious ones too, and now you know what you and don’t want in a partnership. Relationships can end for many reasons, and breakups in your 30s can be quite distressful than in your 20s, given that you were more committed to that relationship.

But there is a way to do it without inflicting too much pain on either side and also end a loveless relationship with honesty, care and your honor intact.

Be Honest About the Issue

Breakup just doesn’t happen all of a sudden. Breakups occur because you and your partner might be arguing or fighting more than getting along or knowing each other, or there are problems with your job or finances, addictions or just not trusting or respecting each other.
You’re in your 30s, and you realize that you don’t have the time and effort to invest in this relationship hoping things would get better.

Find Out Who Is Responsible

Being in a relationship in your 30s is much realistic and intertwined than in your 20s. If you guys are living together, figure out who will be moving out, who will take custody of the pets (if you have any), or who will be paying off the debts, or any outstanding obligations like rent, car insurance, upcoming vacations and so on. You have to settle these issues as you, and your significant other won’t like to deal with it after the breakup.

Do It for Your Best Interest

Breakups are difficult to cope with as they leave lasting pain and emotional scars in you and your partners’ lives. So, try to control your emotions and don’t let your anger and bitterness take over, at least, not to the extent of damaging bonds you have created while you were in the relationship. We won’t deny it takes courage and emotional maturity to have these conversations, but most couples just end the relationship because they don’t even try to do something about, which they regret later.

Take Some Time to Grieve

Breakups are agonizing and difficult to cope, but you will get over a breakup. So, take some time to grieve, focus on yourself and contemplate about the situation. Don’t hesitate to experience anger, sadness, regret about the loss of your partner, and the fear that you won’t find love again. However, don’t exert too much pressure on yourself as it will delay the healing process. Instead, try to figure out what attracted you to start a relationship with this person, why the relationship failed and what part did you play that lead to it. It will help you move forward and start a new relationship.

Take accountability For Your Decisions

Be accountable for your part about why this relationship didn’t meet your expectations. It is important because if you aren’t honest about it, you will end another relationship and blame the other person for it. The grieving process after the breakup is a major step in rebuilding your life, maintaining the best qualities of yourself and using it to search a new person to start a new relationship.

When Your Marriage Is Dying

Reconciliation and forgiveness are the keys to recovery.
Unforgiveness is like acid; it destroys the vessel in which it's stored. —Author Unknown

The very word reconciliation causes many separated couples to break out in a cold sweat. They panic at the thought of exposing their battered hearts to another potential beating. They're certain they can't face another rejection or betrayal. Sadly, few people are taught how to guard their heart and require trust to be re-earned when the covenant has been broken. They're so determined to avoid being vulnerable, they won't entertain thoughts of reconciliation. Yet, even marriages that have gradually decayed over many years can be restored.

Let me state clearly that I detest divorce; the devastation involved is heart-wrenching. I firmly believe it should be avoided if at all possible. I am totally committed to marital restoration and would dance a jig if a "going out of business" sign could be hung on my divorce-recovery ministry. However, the reality is that it takes two people to get married and only one to get divorced. And herein lies the problem.

For the person who wants the marriage to be restored, the most perplexing question is "How do I know when to accept the fact that my spouse does not want this marriage and recognize this as reality in my life?" Most church leaders, parents, pastors, family members, and individuals seek a "formula" to answer this question. Unfortunately, there is no such recipe because each situation is unique and should be addressed as such.
However, there are some essential steps couples must take if reconciliation is to be successful.

First, both spouses must be one hundred percent willing to do the hard work necessary to repair the marriage. The journey will be challenging, exasperating, and at times painful, but the results are worth it.

Second, if one or both spouses has had an intimate relationship (physical or emotional) with a third party, all communication with that person—phone calls, letters, e-mails, or visits—must end. If the third party is a co-worker, a job change should seriously be considered.

Third, both parties must be willing to go to counseling. The couple should take time to find the right Christian counselor, someone who is qualified to deal with the issues they're struggling with such as adultery, addiction, or abuse. Finding the right counselor is like buying a pair of shoes; sometimes you have to try on several pairs before you find the right fit.

Fourth, restoring a marriage takes time. Rushing the process and avoiding or downplaying painful issues can lead to separation and divorce. It's tragic when a marriage that could have been reconciled is destroyed because the root cause was never treated.

A marriage can't be restored if only one person wants reconciliation, but that doesn't mean you should give up hope. Just because your spouse isn't willing to reconcile today doesn't mean he or she will never consider it. God understands how hard it is to pray life into a dead marriage. He will give you strength and wisdom and knowledge of what to pray. He will help you know when you should pursue reconciliation and when you should accept that the marriage is irreconcilable. "Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know" (Jeremiah 33:3 NASB).

The other day my wife came home from work and said she's leaving me because she doesn't love me anymore. I'm stunned that my marriage might be over. I don't want it to end. What can I do?

I know this is a fierce blow, but do your best to calmly ask your wife to give you a more in-depth answer as to why she's leaving you.

Be careful about how you react to her rejection. Angry outbursts won't help you reconcile the marriage. Neither will self-pity, whining, clinging, begging, or threats of suicide. Getting even by dating or having an affair also won't work. Those behaviors communicate to your wife that she is off the hook. As an added bonus, they relieve her guilt because she then feels justified in leaving.

You can tell your wife that although you're deeply hurt, you're willing to learn from her where you may have failed the marriage. Ask for reconciliation, but recognize that she might not respond positively at first.

Explain why you believe there is hope for your marriage and the steps you're willing to take to improve the relationship. Share with your wife that you value the marriage so deeply you're willing to go for counseling. You can't force her to agree to reconciliation, but you can encourage the decision and you can pray.

One consideration: I've observed that people having an affair often ease their conscience by saying, "I don't love you anymore" or "I'm just not happy," rather than saying, "I'm leaving you for someone new." If your wife is having either an emotional or physical affair, you'll need to see a counselor.

My husband left, and I can't afford our huge house. My friends tell me to sell it, but I'm afraid that will destroy any chances of restoring our marriage. Won't selling the house communicate to my husband that I've given up?

It's normal to assume losing the home you shared will end any hope of restoring the marriage, but it's unfounded. View the sale as a good thing. If finances were an issue in the separation, then downsizing might relieve one stress factor. Remember, reconciling doesn't mean going back to the way things were; it means starting fresh.

I had a yearlong affair. I've asked my wife to forgive me, but she says she can't ever trust me again. Is there a way to get my wife back?

The cliché "actions speak louder than words" is true. Words aren't enough to prove your repentance. For there to be hope, your wife will need to see over a period of time that you're a changed man.

Communicate your sincerity by doing the following:

1.Get counseling even if she won't go with you. Find out why you had an affair—it's crucial for healing.

2.Get into a Christian men's accountability group.

3.Read books such as The Man in the Mirror by Patrick Morley, which address men's issues.

4.Practice humility. Don't demand, manipulate, or try to control your wife's actions or feelings.

5.Admit that you've demonstrated that you're untrustworthy. Mention concrete ways—such as meeting with the pastor, giving her access to your e-mail, and not traveling alone—in which you're willing to be held accountable so that trust can be rebuilt. Let your wife make suggestions, too.

6.Pray for God to soften her heart.
If you do divorce, remain faithful to your marriage covenant and continue to pray for restoration. If your wife remarries, then there is nothing more you can do.

My friends tell me I need to forgive my ex-husband, but I don't think I need to until he asks to be forgiven. He deserves to suffer for what he did to me. Why should I forgive him when he has never admitted he was wrong?

Forgiveness isn't a fun process, but if you want to mend, it's vital. "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15). Notice God says nothing about waiting until you feel like forgiving or that you only have to grant forgiveness if the person asks for it. God expects you to take the first step, beginning with a willing heart.

The ability to pardon another person comes from God, not your own strength. He will help you. Your role is to surrender and desire His way above your own. This may take time, especially if the offenses were severe. Walk toward forgiveness—the initial step is the hardest. 

How To Find Success While Handling A Complicated Relationship?

Relationships become difficult for so many reasons. There can be issues like trust, commitment, long distance or even abusive. The situation uses to worsen day by day and people just do not know how to figure out the problems and lead a happy and fruitful life.

Most people believe that if the relationship is not working out well, then it is better to be separated. However, sometimes our heart doesn’t seem to accept this. Why is this so? This is because the love and care we hold for that person are unconditional and blind. We do not realize that the person we truly love does not deserve our love. Moreover, sometimes we stay in the hope of getting things better someday.

Handling a complicated relationship and finding success in it

Complications need to be worked out. It is not necessary that complications must lead you to the failure, it can be sorted out, and the relationships are saved for good. Here are a few tips to help you work out your complications:

Finding out the main cause

The foremost step while handling a complicated relationship is to find out what is the cause of all the difficulties. Where does the central problem lie? Is it the trust or the commitment issues that are creating problems or is it being abusive? Figuring out and then solving the problems is the first step for a healthy long term relationship.

Open your communication

Mostly challenges and complications occur and prolonged due to the lack of communication. If anything is disturbing you, be open to talking to your partner rather than piling it inside which will build up only misunderstandings between you and your partner. Discussing, giving each other your pieces of mind and clearing things up forms the basis of a healthy relationship.

Make your unhappiness known to your partner

Sometimes you may think that your relationship is not working out properly and that you are unhappy, but your partner does not feel the same. According to him, everything is going just smooth and fine. In such a situation you need to talk to your partner and say your heart out. Tell him what makes you feel bad. Fix what you think is not going well to live a joyful and healthy life.

Get help from your support system

When life seems full of complications, then definitely you need someone with whom you can share your problems. Give them a true picture of what is going on in your life. They can suggest ways overcome difficulties in your life. They can even support and give you the courage to talk to your partner about everything that is upsetting you to clear all the matters for a flourishing life.

Get rid of the obstacles that are complicating your relationship

Are the long, tough working hours and tight schedules are setting you two apart? Well, there is a need to discuss this matter. No need to leave your jobs, but at least you two can sit and spend a quality time together.

Relationships are tricky, and sometimes they end up being a complete mess. Little efforts can help you survive your complicated relationships and make them successful.

3 BIG Things That Make A Man TRULY Ready To Marry You

Wondering what makes a man commit to marriage? Watch out for these signs.

Have you ever wondered why the man with whom you had a great relationship didn't marry you, only to find out later that he married his next girlfriend?

Welcome to the world of men!

It's not fun to find that out. The difference between men and women is that men don't fall in love... they decide to love and become ready for marriage based on these 3 factors:

1. The right timing.
You know they say timing is everything. Well, that's an understatement for men. Timing is the only thing to men. You may say, "I get it but what does timing mean to a man?"

Real men base their decisions on facts, not feelings. They need to know their goals are on track. Men need accomplishment and cannot sleep at night if they don't know where they're going.

It's a simple equation. Once they know where they're going, they decide whom they're going with. There is no other way and this can save you a lot of heartache because it's not about you. This leads to factor number 2, which is about you.

2. The knowledge that he can give you a better life


Real men ask themselves this one simple question when they meet you: "How can I make her life better than it is now?"

(Boys, by the way, do not ask this question and will waste your time and then tell you later, they're not ready for a relationship.)

If the answer is no, then there's no deal. Men know that a woman can only be in love with a man she looks up to. These men won't marry until they are in a position to do so. They have to be able to make your life better.

Boys will just let you take care of them. Watch Chemistry To Commitment to fully understand a man's calculator.

3. Their maturity level

This is the most frustrating factor because men can go years or decades without it, then suddenly have it. Which explains their sudden decisions when they are ready. Of course, it's not a complete mystery.

Look at his family life. Are his parents together? What's his relationship to his mom? It's a sad but true fact that people raised in single parent homes don't know how to marry. They've been taught to go it alone.

Fortunately, we are not set in stone. However please be aware that uphill battles are not a lot of fun. The price of maturity is experience, which is why timing is so important. It's easy to tell what makes a man marry you.

It's timing, a better life and maturity. Read A Life Of Love and let me know how it goes.

James Allen Hanrahan is a dating relationship coach in Los Angeles.

When To Kiss A Girl On A Date – Tips To Make It Easier For You

Going on a date with a beautiful girl is the dream of all but not all men are confident enough to enjoy the evening with the love of their life and get nervous. In fact, they also become shy at the time of their first kiss. Although, kissing someone on the first date sounds very exciting but on the other hand it is very hectic also. Many people also think that how she will react or what she will think about him. So, to overcome all such questions you can take the help of some tips that are very useful. A kiss is a symbol of attraction and affection so no one will kiss you until and unless you will look attractive.

Tips on when to kiss a girl on date
Kissing on the very first date is not wrong at all but it is not right also as you are going to kiss someone whom you do not know. So, it is necessary that you should know when to kiss a girl on a date? Kissing depends upon certain circumstances such as whether the partner is ready or not or if he/she is interested in doing it at the moment. It is the body language that says it all.

Following are some of the tips that can be taken into consideration to know when to kiss a girl on a date:

Give her enough time: Whenever you are going on a date keep in mind that you should give enough time to her. First of all make her feel comfortable and relax. Do all such things that she likes and can make her happy. Start talking about normal things such as weather, restaurant, about her likes-dislikes etc. Give her time as much as she wants because girls are very sweet hearted and need some time to believe any guy.

Is the place perfect?

For kissing someone it is necessary to have a perfect place as you cannot kiss someone in public. Before kissing you should see that in what type of place you are sitting. It should not be overcrowded or a messy place as well the place should be quite enough. It is necessary to keep all these things in your mind because with these tips you will gain confidence and can easily do what you have in your mind. One more added advantage of visiting a quiet place is that you can focus on your date.

Make romantic eye contact: You can make your date more romantic by doing a sexy eye lock. Eye contact is the best tip that you can follow. You can spell the name of your date by seeing in her eyes; this will look very attractive and may be the girl will get attracted towards you. You can communicate with the help of eyes also because your eyes can say such things that you could not speak out. Through this, you can even understand what the girl is trying to indicate and whether she is ready or not for a kiss.

Touch her sensually: If she is still sitting with you and is enjoying your company that means she is interested in you. After this ,you can make your primary move and can touch her in the best and sensual way so, that she can understand your signs. You can keep your hands on her hands and can touch her arms. This will sound very romantic and sensual and if she will be enjoying this then you can move your hands on her neck and then to her ears. Even you can also twiddle the hair and move your hands gently in her hairs.

Have a good breath: Before you start kissing a girl make sure that you have a good breath because no girl will kiss a boy whose breadth smells bad. Before going for a date do not eat something that smells awful like onion or garlic. Instead of this you should carry peppermint or some other things with you that have a good smell. Brush your teeth and keep your tongue clean by using mouth wash. In fact drinking water will be the best option to maintain good oral health. So, this is one of the best tips that must be taken into consideration on when to kiss a girl on a date.

Do little flirting: Flirting can be the best option to setup the mood, try to flirt with the girl as much as you can. This will indicate the girl what you are trying to say. You can do flirting by appreciating her on her looks, dressing sense, figure, eye color, hair etc. And if she will like this then she will punch you in a friendly manner indicating that you can touch her. After this you can playfully touch her which will enlighten the moods and may be the date will become more sensuous.

Be prepared and select the type: Just be prepared before you kiss. Prepare yourself by selecting the type of kiss. Do not feel shy or nervous and remain the way you are. Keep in mind that you are going to kiss a girl so be kind and gentle while kissing. Do not kiss her hardly as it will highlight that you are doing it for the first time. Prepare yourself so well that when you will kiss a girl it sounds that you have already done it and have some sort of experience in kissing. You can also keep this point in consideration on When to kiss a girl on a date.

Make a move: After following all the above tips, if the girl is still pepping you then it means she is attracted towards you. So, here is the time when you can make your move, just kiss her directly no matter what style you prefer. But before you start kissing make sure that the time and place is right. Do it confidently and in the right way. Make her feel that she is in the heaven and is sexually satisfied with the kiss only. You should kiss her like a true gentleman by holding her softly and gently and lowering her back slowly. After this end your kiss gracefully and exit.

Women More Likely To Cheat Than Men, scientifically proved.

Boredom or feeling undervalued can lead to infidelity.

By Emerald Catron

Got a bad case of wandering eye? You're in good company — a survey of 3000 people found that women are more likely to cheat than men.

The poll, taken by British dating firm Coffee & Company, showed that while 9 percent of men were certain they'd be unfaithful if they fell for somebody else, a whopping 25 percent of female respondents said they would definitely have an affair if an outsider piqued their interest.

How do you know if you're likely to wind up in someone else's bed?

The survey claims that women age 35 to 40 were the most likely to dabble in infidelity. One popular reason: Many are childless and looking to get more than a good-night kiss as a result of the tryst, Coffee & Co. reports.

But that's not the only reason why women are more likely to cheat on their partners, the survey says.

Many look for love elsewhere out of feelings of neglect, either physical or emotional. If sex becomes, well, kind of boring and predictable, women may wander away to find someone else who can spice things up.

Feeling emotionally undervalued or just flat-out ignored can also lead to infidelity. If a husband is neglecting his wife so he can, say, work on his ship-in-a-bottle collection, the wife might go on the prowl for a guy who makes her feel good about herself—as opposed to, say, hanging out with a husband who makes her feel less interesting than a tiny ship encased in glass.

It's important to remember that all relationships take work and none are perfect. The solution to unhappiness in love and marriage is probably not to have sex with a stranger. It's much more likely to involve communicating with your significant other and working out your problems—before you do irreparable harm (just 15 percent of men say they would forgive a cheater).

We know, we know: Talking it out with the guy you love sounds considerably less fun than hooking up with a total hottie on your girlcation. But on the plus side, you're far less likely to get an STD simply by having a civilized conversation in your living room. And in the process, you may even save your relationship and remember why you fell in love with him in the first place.

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Biblical Dating: Navigating The Early Stages of a Relationship

If you've decided you want to start dating. Now what?
Before continuing with this column, please review the preamble included at the beginning of this series, "Biblical Dating: How It's Different From Modern Dating."

PART 3: Just Friends

As Christians in dating relationships, we want to avoid hurting one another and dishonoring Christ by "defrauding" (see NASB translation of 1 Thessalonians 4:6) our brothers and sisters in Christ by implying — through word or action — a higher level of commitment to that person than we have made before God. Because this sort of (perhaps unintentional) deception is a particular temptation in a dating context, we need to be deliberate about avoiding it.
That's where the following practical suggestions come in. Note the phrase "practical suggestions." These are not sacrosanct biblical principles. This is not the only way the early part of a relationship might look. These are simply suggested applications of biblical principles. In the end, there is no formula and no rote substitute for intellectually honest Christians seeking to care well for one another and to faithfully apply Scripture to infinitely varied relational circumstances.
So with all that said, let's consider how the principle of caring for one another well in the early stages of a relationship might look.

What Are We Doing Again?

The first thing that should happen if it has not happened during the initiation of the relationship is that intentions should be established. Whatever that conversation looks like, intentions should be clear and it should be the man making them so. Guys, tell her why you have initiated or are initiating with her, tell her that you intend to pursue the relationship to determine if marriage to her is the right choice before God.
In my view, this establishing of intentions should be done near the beginning of any exclusive or romantic time spent together — preferably within the first two or three "dates" during a deliberate conversation on the subject.

Guys, don't wait until you've had lunch or dinner or "hung out" one-on-one four or five times before you let her know what's going on. The idea is to remove that period of confusion or vulnerability for the woman by being forthright from the beginning about what level of intention or commitment exists (a la 1 Thessalonians 4). You probably won't know at this stage how things are going to ultimately turn out regarding marriage (that's why you date), so you need not communicate that right away. But you should know what you're trying to find out and what your intentions are — that is what you, as the man, must be clear about. From there, you obviously need a response from the woman to know whether or not things will go any further.

If you know the woman from church, if you've seen her interact in a group, observed her with others, maybe worked with her as a part of some ministry, that input should be enough for you to think through the decision of whether initiation of a relationship is the right thing. Remember, your intent at this point is not necessarily marriage — and that's not what either of you are committing to at this stage. You're simply committing to get to know her a little better in an intentional way to evaluate whether the two of you should then consider marriage to one another.

Ladies, as uncomfortable as this may sound for the guys, you might be in a difficult position here as well, depending on how well you know the man initiating with you. What if that answer is "not well at all"? Then I'd ask, have you had any chance at all to see him in group settings, or do you know him by reputation? If you don't have even information at that level, feel free to tell him that you want some time to think and pray about it (that is, if you're not sure at that point that you're not interested).

Then — in addition to actually thinking and praying about it — ask one of your pastors or elders whether he knows him and what he thinks. If the pastor or elder you ask doesn't know him well, he can guide you to a trustworthy source that knows him better.
If you know the man well or at least better than what I've just described, but you are not sure whether you are interested in him, I'd encourage you to at least take some time to get to know him before giving an unequivocal "no." Keep in mind that this is different from feigning interest when there isn't any. There are instances in which you can be genuinely unsure about a guy but still move forward this far.

Let me say it again: Agreeing to date is not agreeing to marry. That's why you date. We're trying to make intentions clear, here, not asking anyone to commit to go the distance with no information.
There are biblical and unbiblical reasons for a man to initiate with a woman, and there are biblical and unbiblical reasons for turning a man down. If you feel that you are not initially attracted to a man who initiates with you, OK — but at least ask yourself why that is. Are you considering biblical characteristics in that decision? Do you have enough information to know that you could not marry this man? If a man initiates with you, ladies, think and pray and seek counsel before simply dismissing him. If nothing else, treating men who initiate well will encourage other men to initiate.

So ... Here We Are

If we are concerned about defrauding one another (again, this idea applies to both genders but particularly to the men as the initiators), another one of the early issues to address is how much and

what kind of time couples spend together.

What kind of time should couples spend together in the early stages of a relationship?
The answer turns on what you are trying to find out about this person at this stage of things. You're trying to find out whether this is someone you should know more intimately en route to figuring out whether this is a person you could marry. Did you catch how I phrased that? You are trying to figure out if you should get to know this person more intimately; you are not at the outset trying to get to know this person intimately. The difference is subtle but important.

One suggestion I have for couples starting out is that the majority of your time together should be spent with other people, preferably with your families and church families. Get to know one another in groups, find out how the other person reacts to people, spend time with the people he or she cares about. This will provide you a chance to get to know him or her well and will also provide a buffer and accountability against getting too emotionally intimate too early.
Many people want to start out a relationship by spending a huge amount of time alone together. This is understandable but unadvisable for a number of reasons. Spending too much time alone promotes a high level of intimacy on a number of fronts, can lead to some level of isolation from other friends, and puts undue emphasis on the relationship in the lives of both people, even before any significant commitment has been voiced.

If you do spend time alone, spend it in activities, read a book together, be in public places, etc. In these early stages, people should not spend long hours looking into each other's eyes over candle-lit tables or being alone together at one another's apartments. To do so courts temptation (so to speak) and implies a level of commitment that's simply not there yet.

Think not just about the kind of time you spend together, but how much. Even if you spend the right kind of time together, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Don't get together (even with other people) four or five times a week. Leave space in your life for other activities and relationships. And don't spend every moment that you're not together on the phone or even emailing or texting or IMing back and forth. Build the momentum (if it will build) slowly.

What Should We Talk About?

Have you thought about the fact that there are some topics that are inherently intimate and that almost automatically promote deep intimacy between two people? What do I mean?
For starters, let me suggest that you not go out in the first week and tell each other the long, teary versions of your testimonies and the greatest personal pain that the Lord has delivered you from in your life.

Don't immediately make that person your confidante in matters personal and emotional. Don't articulate your deepest feelings with respect to your life or even how you feel about that person. Also (and this may seem counterintuitive), I advise folks not to spend long periods in prayer together. Prayer is a wonderful thing, but it's also inherently intimate. Pray for the relationship, but don't spend hours holding hands and pouring yourselves out before the Throne. That may come.

What should you talk about then? Talk about a book you're reading, your interests, your faith (in more general terms or along the lines of issues), things going on in your life. Talk about your values and priorities, ambitions and plans you may have, your families and things that are happening in your church or in the world.

All right. Does this sound cold, uninviting, even deceptive? I admit it's not the stuff of movies, but the very point that I'm making is that at this point it shouldn't be. You are not yet that other person's main provision from the Lord for spiritual, emotional and physical intimacy and companionship. That role is reserved for the person's spouse. You are not that yet. You are in the early stages of seeing if that is a role that the Lord would eventually have you fill in one another's lives, but you're not there yet, and the kind of intimacy I've described is not to be engaged in on a trial basis. Even if it looks more fun or stimulating to go there — and I know it does — it's also defrauding your brother or sister.

Emotional Intimacy

This brings me to the larger principle bound up in these suggestions: Deep emotional intimacy should not be established in the early stages of a relationship.
It's not that you're being dishonest or cold, it's simply being cautious about living out a deeper commitment than truly exists between you. Song of Songs 2:7 tells us not to awaken love before it pleases: Do not start what you cannot — without sin — finish.

The modern, secular idea of dating relationships is to test the waters of marriage by acting as much like you are married as possible until you both (in the very heat of that temporary emotion and passion) decide what you want and either get married, or until one of you decides it's not a good fit and you go through something like a divorce (at least emotionally, if not physically — though that's pretty common, too).

The biblical idea of marriage holds that such level of relating to one another begins when you are married. It's one of the things that makes marriage unique. Our goal should be prayerfully to decide whether the person we are dating should be the one we marry without having to go through a de facto divorce if the answer's no.

Will there still be disappointment and sadness and emotional pain if a "biblical" dating relationship doesn't work out? Of course. There's no perfect way to do this. I assure you, though, that the pain will be lessened by the honest, mutual, spiritual concern for one another that results when two people treat one another like brothers and sisters in Christ first, and potential spouses second. This is for the protection of the people involved (especially the woman), for the witness of the church and for the glory of God.

10 Ways To Keep Him From Cheating

Most men do not cheat because they don’t love you anymore. Men cheat because they want more variety in their sex lives. Some complain of being bored. They want to feel adored by their partners; they want to asert their freedom; they are tired of disappointing you; they want a partner who places them at the center of their life, and they no longer feel like the priority in yours.

Sometimes it’s because you are speaking different love languages, and some men say it is a biological directive to procreate with as many women as possible for survival of the species. Whatever the reason, men have an innate need to feel respected and appreciated by their partners. It is most disconcerting for a man to realize he has disappointed his partner in some way. He wants to be her hero.

So, here are 10 ways to prevent your man from cheating.


1. Be willing to initiate sex. Men equate sex with desirability. Help your man to feel desired by expressing your love in a physical way.

2. Be open to experimentation. It can be easy to get comfortable and fear of the unknown can stop you from being open to different sexual experiences. Allow your man to try new things with you. If you won’t, there will be someone else who will. I’m not saying to engage in sexual activity you find repulsive but allow yourself to experience new things with the man you love.

3. Don’t over-accommodate. Sometimes in a relationship, a woman can become too accommodating. Men get into relationships with a very clear picture of what a lifetime partner looks like and this is often in stark contrast to whom he may have dated casually. Women work to become the person their partner wants them to be and in doing so, they lose themselves. One day, their man realizes this is what he asked for but he isn’t sure it’s what he really wants. Maintain a healthy sense of self in your relationship.


4. Don’t become too controlling. Often without realizing it, when we get into relationships we attempt to control the other person to do what works best for us. We engage in destructive relationship habits such as complaining, blaming, criticizing, nagging, threatening, punishing and bribing or rewarding to control.

5. Make sure he knows how much you appreciate him. Sometimes when women “get” the guy and get married, they begin to get a false sense of security. Remember, all relationships are voluntary. A person can leave at any time. With an over 50% divorce rate in this country, we need to remember how important it is to maintain a positive relationship, not simply to acquire one.

6. Let him have time to himself.

Some men cheat because they begin to feel hemmed in by the relationship. Engaging in an affair can provide them the sense of freedom they lose in a relationship. Allow your man time for himself without you. Don’t try to monopolize all your guy’s time. Be open to time apart for him to spend with friends, pursue hobbies, etc. so he does not feel he has no freedom.

7. Be aware of your emotions. Whether or not we are aware of it, women are masters at using their emotions to communicate volumes without speaking any words. We communicate anger, rage, sadness and disappointment that is received by our partners.

Instead of taking that as a cue to do something different, some men begin to look for another partner who idolizes them the way you used to. Don’t forget, your man wants to know he lights you up not that he is constantly disappointing you.

More from YourTango: The #1 Key To Effective Communication

8. Prioritize your relationship. Often, when a man cheats, you will find the woman is also having an “affair” that’s not sexual. It’s more socially appropriate. This “affair” takes the form of prioritizing something, anything, over the relationship. This could be a job, children, a sick relative, a charity or anything that puts her man lower on her totem pole than the first position.

Prioritize your relationship over everything else. This is the relationship you want to last for all your life. Other things will fade away and the relationship will still be there if you tend to it carefully.

9. Learn his love language. If you are not familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, please read it. It has the potential to save more marriages than marriage counseling has. Learn your man’s  love language and speak it to him regularly. He will know he is loved and remain true to you.

10. Find his relationship pattern. I do not know how to combat the biology argument. Some men simply believe it is hard wired into their genes to have sexual relations with as many women as they can. If this is your man, it probably won’t matter what you do. Try to recognize these men early on by asking about their dating history.

 Do You Need Couples Counseling? Here’s How To Tell

If this is a pattern with your man, he probably isn’t likely to change just because you love him best. Your best defense against this problem is to be discriminating at the onset.

If you have read this article and wonder, what about him? What does he need to do? I wanted to write an article for women. I encounter more women in pain over their mate’s infidelity than I do men. This is for you.

And I want to conclude by saying, if you are unhappy in your relationship, don’t point your finger at your partner. Look into the mirror and decide what it is that’s causing the unhappiness. If you want something different from your man, ask for it. If he gives you what you want, then great! If he doesn’t then look inside yourself for the solution. Accept your man as he is and adjust yourself to better be able to manage your relationship. And if he is violating one of your non-negotiables, leaving might be your best option.
For help and counseling call +2348067468642

The Difference Between Sex & Love for Men

As a psychotherapist who specializes in emotions, and as a woman with my own personal history of serial monogamy, I have come to realize that some men channel their need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and comfort into sexual desire.

Here are some examples:

James wants sex when he feels sad because he likes the comfort the physical holding provides. James, like most people, wants to be held when he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we feel sad is biologically programmed into our brains.


Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He believes it is weak to let someone know that he feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively, he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for sex, which satisfies his need for human connection.

Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we know from research on emotions, each core emotion has a “program” that has evolved over thousands of years for survival purposes. This “program” causes specific physical sensations and impulses to arise inside us at the moment when a particular emotion is triggered.

Sexual excitement is often physically felt as sensations in the groin area with an impulse to seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety, loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions that can combine with sexual excitement. The mashup of the tender emotions with sexual excitement is the brilliant way the mind can make sure core human needs are met in consciously covert yet culturally acceptable ways.

Mental health is improved by being in touch with the full range of our core emotions. Therefore, it is in our best interest to know which core emotions are present and driving our desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?

Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it should not come as a surprise that some men feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy” feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary “The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel Newsom follows boys and young men as they struggle to stay true to their authentic selves while negotiating America’s narrow definition of masculinity. If men and boys could own the full range of their emotions, not just anger and sexual excitement, we would see trends in depression and anxiety decrease. Here’s why:

When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear, anger) and needs for intimacy (love, companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness) men and women develop symptoms including anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go away when we become reacquainted with our core emotions. This first step to wellness comes from understanding that it is normal for both men and women to experience sadness, fear, love, anger, and longing for connection both sexual and through talking about our thoughts and feelings with each other. Needs for affection and love are as “masculine” as needs for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are not for the weak, they are for the human.

Although things are slowly changing, the two main emotions that are most acceptable for men to display are still sexual excitement and anger. The more tender emotions including fear, sadness, love, need, and longing are still considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not surprising that the tender emotions, which have to be expressed in some way, get bound to sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort and soothing into sex is actually a clever compromise. After all, during sex men can unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged, and loved up all under the acceptable guise of a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But we can do better by helping to change the culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our biology.

Top 5 Things Men and Women Can Do for Men

1.Educate and normalize the scientific fact that we all have the same universal core emotions: sadness, fear, anger, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement.

2.Inform the men in your life that the need to connect with others and share one’s true feelings and thoughts is normal for all humans, and not specific to sex and gender.

3.Invite the men in your life to share their feelings and thoughts (especially the ones they are ashamed about) while also stressing the point that you will not judge them as weak or feminine for sharing vulnerabilities.

4.Know that humans are complex creatures. We all have weak and strong parts. It’s important to hold all aspects of us simultaneously. That’s the way people feel whole and complete.

5.Recommend to everyone you know the movie “The Mask You Live In,” which is now available on Netflix.

An Overview of Sex Therapy

Having found out that 75% of marital issues are caused by sexual misunderstandings.

These days, many couples find it hard to fit sex into their busy schedules. And it’s perfectly normal for people to go through periods when they’re just not in the mood for lovemaking.

But if you chronically lack desire for sex — for emotional or physical reasons — you may want to consider sex therapy. Seeking treatment for sex problems has become more socially acceptable today, but it’s still not easy for many people to talk to a professional about such an intimate area.

“There are probably a lot of people out there who could use therapy but don’t come because they’re embarrassed. They may go through years of needless pain or dissatisfaction,” says Alexandra Myles, MSW, a sex therapist at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts, and in private practice.

Deciding whether sex therapy is for you

Before you decide to see a sex therapist, take the time to explore whether it is really what you need. Myles and other therapists recommend that you:

See a doctor, particularly if your problem is physical in nature. A gynecologist or urologist can detect difficulties due to illness, aging, or metabolic and hormonal imbalances. Prescription drugs, non-prescription drugs, alcohol, and smoking can all affect sexual functioning, according to Judy Seifer, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and clinical professor at Wright State University in Dayton, Ohio.

Learn more about sexuality. In spite of the greater openness about sexuality today, many people have little understanding of their own bodies and sexual functioning. Informational and self-help books and educational sex videos, which are widely available, can be very helpful (see listing below) . Becoming better informed will help you decide whether you really need therapy; some people, in fact, are able to solve their own problems through self-help guides.

What happens in sex therapy

Many people come to sex therapy after individual psychotherapy fails to help them with their sexual problems. Masters & Johnson, the pioneers of sex therapy, discovered back in the 1950s that talking alone wasn’t enough to resolve sexual issues.

“The obvious thing is that you’re dealing with the human body so you can’t just talk about how you feel; you’ve got to work on the physical level as well,” says Myles. Sex therapy generally address the emotional issues underlying sexual problems and employs behavioral techniques to deal with the physical symptoms.
If you need help and counseling call +2348067468642

Proud People vs. Broken People

Contrasting the characteristics of proud, unbroken people, who are resistant to the work of God in their lives, with the qualities of revived, humble people.

Proud people focus on the failures of others.
Broken people are overwhelmed with a sense of their own spiritual need.

Proud people have a critical, fault-finding spirit; they look at everyone else’s faults with a microscope but their own with a telescope.
Broken people are compassionate; they can forgive much because they know how much they have been forgiven.

Proud people are self-righteous; they look down on others.
Broken people esteem all others better than themselves.

Proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit.
Broken people have a dependent spirit; they recognize their need for others.

Proud people have to prove that they are right.
Broken people are willing to yield the right to be right.

Proud people claim rights; they have a demanding spirit.
Broken people yield their rights; they have a meek spirit.

Proud people are self-protective of their time, their rights, and their reputation.
Broken people are self-denying.

Proud people desire to be served.
Broken people are motivated to serve others.

Proud people desire to be a success.
Broken people are motivated to be faithful and to make others a success.

Proud people desire self-advancement.
Broken people desire to promote others.

Proud people have a drive to be recognized and appreciated.
Broken people have a sense of their own unworthiness; they are thrilled that God would use them at all.

Proud people are wounded when others are promoted and they are overlooked.
Broken people are eager for others to get the credit; they rejoice when others are lifted up.

Proud people have a subconscious feeling, “This ministry/church is privileged to have me and my gifts”; they think of what they can do for God.
Broken people’s heart attitude is, “I don’t deserve to have a part in any ministry”; they know that they have nothing to offer God except the life of Jesus flowing through their broken lives.

Proud people feel confident in how much they know.
Broken people are humbled by how very much they have to learn.

Proud people are self-conscious.
Broken people are not concerned with self at all.

Proud people keep others at arms’ length.
Broken people are willing to risk getting close to others and to take risks of loving intimately.

Proud people are quick to blame others.
Broken people accept personal responsibility and can see where they are wrong in a situation.

Proud people are unapproachable or defensive when criticized.
Broken people receive criticism with a humble, open spirit.

                                                                         

Proud people are concerned with being respectable, with what others think; they work to protect their own image and reputation.
Broken people are concerned with being real; what matters to them is not what others think but what God knows; they are willing to die to their own reputation.

Proud people find it difficult to share their spiritual need with others.
Broken people are willing to be open and transparent with others as God directs.

Proud people want to be sure that no one finds out when they have sinned; their instinct is to cover up.
Broken people, once broken, don’t care who knows or who finds out; they are willing to be exposed because they have nothing to lose.

Proud people have a hard time saying, “I was wrong; will you please forgive me?”
Broken people are quick to admit failure and to seek forgiveness when necessary.

Proud people tend to deal in generalities when confessing sin.
Broken people are able to acknowledge specifics when confessing their sin.

Proud people are concerned about the consequences of their sin.
Broken people are grieved over the cause, the root of their sin.

Proud people are remorseful over their sin, sorry that they got found out or caught.
Broken people are truly, genuinely repentant over their sin, evidenced in the fact that they forsake that sin.

Proud people wait for the other to come and ask forgiveness when there is a misunderstanding or conflict in a relationship.
Broken people take the initiative to be reconciled when there is misunderstanding or conflict in relationships; they race to the cross; they see if they can get there first, no matter how wrong the other may have been.

Proud people compare themselves with others and feel worthy of honor.
Broken people compare themselves to the holiness of God and feel a desperate need for His mercy.

Proud people are blind to their true heart condition.
Broken people walk in the light.

Proud people don’t think they have anything to repent of.
Broken people realize they have need of a continual heart attitude of repentance.

Proud people don’t think they need revival, but they are sure that everyone else does.
Broken people continually sense their need for a fresh encounter with God and for a fresh filling of His Holy Spirit.
Your spiritual life is our objective and you to have a happy home

When It's Hard to Forgive

If he or she has so offended you that is hard to forgive, your heart is so heavy and u just can't let go.

Do you have a situation where forgiveness seems impossible? Perhaps you're thinking, "I just can't forgive this person for what he's done to me. It's too painful to deal with. He's done it too many times. He's hurt me too deeply."

But the power—and the beauty—of the transformed Christian life is that "it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:13, NKJV). It will never be the depth of your love that causes you to forgive such heartless acts and attitudes.

It will never be within your power to overlook the wicked lies and wild justifications of those who have made you distrustful of just about everybody. It will be—it can only be—the love of Christ transplanted into your believing heart that can exchange your weakness for His strength.

God's love—and Lorna's

Several years ago, I met a dear woman named Lorna Wilkinson, whose husband had brought a great deal of discord and mistrust into their marriage. He was an alcoholic, and his condition had worsened over the years, bringing with it all the turmoil that tends to accompany substance abuse: financial pressure, irresponsibility, the chaos of never being able to depend on him, never knowing if he'd be where he said he would.

Finally Lorna decided that she had been through enough. She came to the conclusion that divorce was the only way out, the best way she knew to salvage what remained of her life.

So she took the step. She filed all the paperwork, asked him to leave, and prepared to move on.

She was not yet a believer. But providentially, right at that critical juncture in her life, she "happened" to tune in to a Revive Our Hearts radio program, when I was teaching about forgiveness. Her heart was gripped as she learned of the incredible forgiveness God offers through Christ, the way He deals with our sin by perfectly releasing us, thus enabling us to extend the same kind of forgiveness to others.

Day after day, this needy woman continued to listen to the broadcast, her thirsty heart drinking in the truth of the Word. Within a short period of time, her eyes had been opened and she was brought to faith in Christ.

But her divorce was still moving forward ... until the day her phone rang. It was her husband, saying he was sick.

"At the time, I was still frustrated and angry to some degree," she admits. "I said, 'Why are you calling me? Why don't you call 911?'"

He did. Just in time. Her husband was having a heart attack.
Extended family began to gather at the hospital, not sure if he was going to make it. Part of her wanted to be done with him, but somewhere in the depths of her heart, the Lord seemed to be saying, "Go whisper in your husband's ear that he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. Tell him he can come home."

The gift of forgiveness

That day, amid a tangle of tubes and wires and other life-saving devices, Lorna gave her husband the most revitalizing gift of all: the gift of forgiveness.

By God's grace, he did recover. He came home. He was a changed man. Miraculously, he no longer had the urge to smoke or drink. He landed a full-time job and began working faithfully to provide for his family. Newfound love entered their home, a desire to pray and worship, a focus on lasting priorities. There were flowers, postcards, candlelit dinners. Everything.

Early in the process of restoration, there were moments when those old feelings would flood back in Lorna's heart. Lord, I can't do this, she would cry out in prayer. I cannot love him the way You intended me to love. But I am asking You, Lord, to give me Your love, to just let it flow through me to this man.

And God's love slowly began to melt the awful memories. One by one, she began entering into each of those descriptive phrases in 1 Corinthians 13—"Love is patient and kind ... does not insist on its own way ... rejoices with the truth ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

As God's love began to fill their home, Lorna and her husband started to experience the kind of marriage she had always dreamed of but had given up hope of ever having. In fact, four months after they were reconciled, Lorna's husband woke her early one morning to say, "I now know that a man should love his wife the way God has loved us. I want to tell you, Lorna, at this moment, I love you that way."

These were the last words she would ever hear from his lips.

"Do not give up on your spouse"

Within hours, a second massive heart attack took him home to be with the Lord. Imagine where Lorna and her children might be today if she had chosen the logical way, the natural way, the vengeful way—the bitter path of unforgiveness.

Imagine the lives that would still be in shambles, the regrets that would have lingered for a lifetime.

"Do not give up on your marriage," she urged the listeners in an interview. "Do not give up on your spouse. Take it to the Lord in prayer and always remember: What you are not able to do for yourself, He will do it for you and in you."

Certainly, not every marriage is remedied the way Lorna's was, even by forgiveness. But even when you can't see the results—though the situation may not clear up entirely or get any better at all—you can still know that you've done what God has required of you. You can continue to forgive as His grace and love flow through you. And you can walk in peace—His peace.

Don't Marry Yourself

In of one scene of Seinfeld, Kramer barges into Jerry's flat to find him lying on his couch, heart-struck. Kramer asks, "What's with you?"
Jerry responds, "I think I'm in love!"
"Oh, come on!"

 "She's incredible," Jerry says. "She's just like me. She talks like me. She acts like me. She even orders cereal in a restaurant. We even have the same initials! Wait a minute. I just realized what's going on. Now I know what I've been looking for all these years — myself!"
Kramer: "Stop it, man, you're freaking me out!"

Later on in the episode, Jerry becomes engaged to his twin, and he immediately regrets it. Wistfully he admits to Kramer, "I think I may have made a big mistake. If anything, I need to be with someone completely opposite of me. It's too much! It's too much — I can't take it!"
Few would argue that marrying a veritable clone is healthy or even possible, but some of us choose only to date people who mirror our own habits, tastes and talents. And while we've heard opposites attract, do such relationships actually last? The key question here is pretty simple: How many similarities do people need to share in order to set themselves up for a healthy marriage?

Show Me the Money … and Your Calendar

The core traits you're looking for in a potential spouse directly parallel your values. Many of us may claim we're limiting ourselves to a few non-negotiables ("He just needs to love Jesus, work hard and serve in the church"), but is this actually true? More often than not, these aren't the only standards informing our choice to x-out an online match or not pursue that woman in small group.
So how do we determine what's important to us? Practically speaking, our values are seen in how we spend our time, energy and resources. It's easy to tell what we value by looking at our calendars and bank statements.
I deeply value overseas missions. My first experience with cross cultural ministry was being part of a team to help a church in Haiti. It wrecked me. Experiencing the country's overwhelming poverty left an indelible mark on my heart for those who suffer. A few years later, I joined a missions organization, and I traveled to dozens of places attempting to bring God's hope to those who suffer. Even now, I continue to regularly volunteer with that group. Whether it'll be living abroad for a decade or taking yearly two-week relief trips, I know overseas missions will always be a part of my life, and thus a similar heart for other nations is for me a non-negotiable in a spouse.

Don't Settle for Surface Similarities

The interesting thing about this discussion is that there aren't hard and fast rules because many things about us change as we age and experience life. How can we know the person we'll need in five years, much less fifty? And how do we know who we will be?
Even our values are persnickety. Many of them will fluctuate in intensity and duration over time. Several years ago, a powerful testimony from a missionary tore at my heartstrings. He was sneaking Bibles into a closed country, and that Jason Bourne part of me welled up. I was ready to sell all my possessions and join his covert team. A month later I forgot about his message, and my desire to smuggle Bibles had vanished.
Values can range from staying engaged in politics to eventually pursuing overseas missions. These are all good. Don't feel like you can only hold "holy" things as non-negotiables. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself.
Examine and re-examine your non-negotiables to ensure they'll withstand the test of time. Then act accordingly — make choices as if those are your only deal breakers. Sharing surface similarities casts the illusion of connection, but sharing core values actually creates that foundation. If they hold similar values, a devoted fantasy novel reader and avid romantic movie viewer can make a go of it, even if it makes that first-date conversation a little more difficult.

The Line Between Values and Passions

Apart from sharing values, what about matching our passions with another? It's one thing to give up hope for someone with a perfect body or great singing voice, but should we also sacrifice our specific desires to serve and minister?
One woman I know has a heart for adoption and refugee ministry, and she seeks these same passions in a man. Is it reasonable for her to expect to find these in a future husband? In short, yes and no. If my friend waits long enough, she might find a man who shares her unique passions for adoption and refugee ministry. But she might not.

However, if she's able to dig deeper and uncover the value driving these passions — in this case it could be a desire to love those who are hurting and needy — that might allow her to accept a much broader understanding of where these passions could lead her (and allow her to date a much larger group of men). Her non-negotiable list won't pigeonhole her into finding a clone.
For the longest time I thought I valued running. It's an important part of my life, and I devote time and money to it. I assumed it was something I needed to share with my wife. But, as it turns out, my fiancée and I just couldn't get into a good running routine. Our paces are different, and she prefers walking or hiking. During this process, I've realized it's not running I value — it's an active lifestyle. And my fiancée shares this value through healthy eating and getting outside. If I would have clung to my running value without seeing that running was a passion growing out of valuing a healthy life, I would've missed the gift of my future wife.
If some of your non-negotiables are a little too specific, see if there's a deeper desire at play. Then, relate to your dates on this broader level. Doing so will leave space for God to work.

Find a Perfect(ly Flawed) Person

So how much do we need to have in common with a potential spouse? I say we don't even begin here, because depending on your list, your "strongest match" (you know, that beautiful girl who watches football, cooks like your mom, and shares your love of niche sci-fi books) doesn't exist. God willing, you're going to marry a person — someone loved by God but deeply flawed. And flaws notwithstanding, he or she will most likely be different from you in many (good) ways.
My advice is to wrestle with other questions first: What traits won't you negotiate on? What do you value, and how does that play out in your life? What does your spouse need to value? Are you willing for these values to be your only non-negotiables?
Then live these answers. Don't let comic books or compulsive organizing be a deal breaker. Embrace your values without shame and fear, and force yourself out of your comfort zone as you accept dates with people who may surprise you.