How to Cope With a Heartbreak

Three Parts:1.Accepting What Has Happened 2.Taking Care of Yourself 3.Moving Ahead.

Nursing a broken heart is a harrowing endeavor. Once you can accept what happened, and prepare to take care of yourself and your emotions, you'll be able to move on and grow past it. One thing to keep in mind is that you will eventually feel like yourself.

1.Accepting What Has Happened

Face your heartbreak head on. You've been hurt, and you feel sad. These are normal emotions, and you need to accept that they are happening. Don't lie to others, and yourself, by saying "I'm fine" when you are not. You may be able to push it down for a while, but something else will bring it up again, and you'll be worse off because you weren't honest with yourself.

Remember that it is okay to feel sad. In fact, it’s okay to feel a whole range of emotions, including sadness, confusion, and anger. The key is not to let those feelings affect your whole life. Do not try to numb yourself to the pain or swear off relationships forever. These activities will only hurt you in the long run. Instead, give yourself time to feel the hurt.

Cry. Crying is a good way to healthy way to express extreme feelings, so if you feel like crying, let it out. Find a place where you can be alone, or with a good friend, and let the tears flow. It'll be over more quickly than you think, and you'll feel a little better afterward getting those emotions out.

There are some places where that is inappropriate, public settings like a store or in class, so you'll want to be able to control your tears in public. Breathe deeply (in through your nose and out through your mouth), and blink a few times to control the tears. You can try to distract yourself with some kind of physical movement like squeezing a stress ball. If a few tears do slip out, cover them with a yawn, or blame something like allergies or feeling sick.

Release your negative thoughts. Avoid letting negative thoughts control your worldview. These include filtering, that is looking at only the negative aspects of your situation, and personalizing, blaming yourself entirely for what happened. Keep an eye on yourself to see if you are looking at your situation this way, and from there look for ways to avoid those negative thoughts.

An excellent way to expel negative energy is to meditate. Put yourself in a comfortable seated position in a comfortable place, usually alone and away from distractions like television or other stimulating things. Breath deeply, and let your mind go by focusing on another object, repeating a mantra, or visualizing a peaceful place.

Examine your relationship. Think about what went wrong, and why you two broke up. There is always a reason. Also think about what you liked in the relationship, and what things you would want to look for in a future partner. By working through these ideas, you can grow as a person, and find the right relationship later down the line.

You may reach a point where you and your ex are comfortable becoming friends, but don't think too much about that early on. You need to give yourself space after the breakup.

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2.Taking Care of Yourself

Think positively about yourself. Think about your strengths and feel proud of them. Do things that make you feel good about yourself--take time to finish that painting you started or go on a run. Acknowledging that something bad happened to you, and realizing that you are strong enough to deal with it is a key part of getting over your heartbreak.

Make a list of your strengths. Remind yourself of your accomplishments, and the good qualities you have. The act of writing them out can remind you of them, or you can create a list and read it whenever you feel down.

Talk to someone else. You are not alone in the world. Look for a trusted friend or advisor, or a close relative, and tell them how you feel. Sometimes just getting your feelings off your chest can help you work through them. Additionally, you never know what help other people can give, whether it's good advice, or just a shoulder to cry on.

Exercise. Physical exercise causes your body to release serotonin (a chemical that makes us feel happy) and stimulates the growth of nerve cells. On an emotional level, exercising may help you to feel like you are becoming the master of yourself again. Plus, you'll look better too.

You don't need a full workout. Something as simple as 10-15 minutes a day doing a simple exercise like jogging or yoga can be enough to get you a good frame of mind. Even work that doesn't feel like exercise, like weeding a garden, gets you up and moving. The most important thing is that you stay consistent in what you do.

If you're feeling down, it can be hard to motivate yourself to exercise. Work around that by distracting yourself with something enjoyable. Maybe just walk through a mall or some other place you enjoy. You can also give yourself something to do only while exercising, like listening to certain music you enjoy, or watch your favorite TV show while on a machine. That will keep your mind off the workout and onto something you enjoy. As long as you leave that only for exercising, it can give you something fun to come back to.

You can always ask a friend to come with you. Even if you don't talk, or have anything to talk about, it's always nice to exercise with company rather than by yourself. Being responsible to another person also makes it easier to show up regularly than being responsible to yourself for .

Look out for depression. Keep an eye out for the major differences between sadness (a normal and healthy emotion) and depression. When you are depressed, nothing you think about seems to matter in your life, and you are unable to stop thinking about the things that cause you grief. If you think you are noticing these signs, or if your sadness lingers for several weeks or up to a month, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

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3.Moving On

Get rid of things that remind you or your ex. This includes pictures of you and your ex, listening to ‘your’ song, and gifts she gave you. While you don’t necessarily have to throw all the stuff out (that cook book you two would try recipes from might come in handy in the future) you should move it from your direct line of sight.

However mad you may be, it is best not to destroy something that may be of significant financial or sentimental value to him (expensive items or family mementos). If you have items like this, the best thing is to gather them up, and arrange a time for him to come get them. This is not an invitation to reconnect, so keep your messages short and professional.

Stop all contact with your ex. Keeping in contact with will make you feel even worse than you already do. Don’t call your ex crying or send passive aggressive texts, and definitely don’t communicate when you've been drinking. Your ex has made it clear that he or she is moving on. The best way to do that yourself is to avoid contact with him or her.

Delete your ex from social media. You don't need the constant reminder of what he is up to that you'll automatically get from Facebook or other social media sites. That kind of avoidance will help keep you from thinking about him.

Ask your friends to help. Don't make, or let, them fill you in on what your ex is up to. Instead, ask them to help you get your mind off him, even if it's just by spending time talking about anything else, or keeping you from contacting him.

Get involved in new activities. The best way to get over the past is to create a new, bright future for yourself without that person. Now is the time to fulfill your dreams of learning new skills or trying different activities. Enroll in a new after school or work class, or join a sports team, even just joining a pick-up game every week will work. The goal is to distract yourself with new ideas and activities, and to meet new people.

Help someone else. One of the best ways to get your mind off your own problem is to try to help someone else with a challenge they are facing. Ask your friends about what is going on in their lives, or talk to your family about how they are doing. Don’t let your emotions block you from the fact that other people are dealing with their own sadness.

You don't have to just limit your helping to people you know. Volunteering is a great way to put your own situation into perspective. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter and focus your efforts on bettering the lives of others. You may just find that in the process you discover new meaning in your own life.

Meet new people. After giving yourself some space, get back into the game of love. You shouldn't close yourself off, and losing someone does not mean you are unlovable or can never love again. Use your new activities to meet potential new partners, or even be willing to use online dating. You don't have to actively look for new relationships if you don't want to, but don't immediately reject the possibility if someone asks or offers.

Be careful with a rebound relationship. Opening yourself up does not mean rushing into a new relationship immediately. If you move too quickly, you may mistake the easy intimacy with real feeling, and create greater pain for yourself and the other person.

Be patient. These processes take time, and while on the way to recovery, you may come up against days that are harder than others. Don't beat yourself up over feeling sad when you thought you were recovering.

Occasionally fantasizing about your ex is normal. The surest way to think about something is to tell yourself not to think about it. Sometimes that will happen. Rather than suppress these thoughts, accept them, and look for something else to think about instead.

This Is the Perfect Age to Get Married

A new study suggests that people should get married between the ages of 28 and 32 if they don’t want to get divorced, at least in the first five years.

Before we proceed to the explanation: Don’t shoot me if you’re older than that and not married yet. These are just statistics and can in no way account for your personal situation, or that last cheater/psycho/narcissist you wasted 18 months on. Nobody’s blaming you. You are a wonderful and entirely loveable person.
Now, moving on.

The study was done by Nick Wolfinger, a sociologist at the University of Utah, and published by the generally pro-marriage Institute of Family Studies. It suggests that people who get married between 28 and 32 split up least in the ensuing years. This is a new development; sociologists formerly believed that waiting longer to get hitched usually led to more stability, and there was no real sell-by date.
Wolfinger analyzed data from 2006-2010 and the 2011-2013 National Survey of Family Growth. He found a sort of upside down bell curve. “The odds of divorce decline as you age from your teenage years through your late twenties and early thirties,” he writes. “Thereafter, the chances of divorce go up again as you move into your late thirties and early forties.” For each year after about 32, the chance of divorce goes up about 5% says the study.



Some wag over at Slate called this the Goldilocks theory of getting married: you have to be not too young and not too old.

There are lots of reasons why late 20s/early 30s would make sense as a time to start a lifelong partnership with someone: people are old enough to understand if they really get along with someone or are just blinded by hormones. They’ve already made significant life choices and taken on some responsibilities. And they may be just financially solvent enough to be able to contemplate supporting someone should the need arise.

On the other hand, they’re not so old and set in their ways that they can’t make the myriad of little adjustments in habits and lifestyle and goals and personal hygiene that marriage requires. They probably don’t have ex-spouses or children among whom they to divide their time, resources and loyalty.


What One Woman Learned From Taking a Year Off From Her Marriage

Robin Rinaldi did what many women dream of but few actually do: she took a year off from her marriage, made an agreement with her husband that they would both sleep with other people for a set period of time, and threw caution to the wind.
Wolfinger says the curve persists “even after controlling for respondents’ sex, race, family structure of origin, age at the time of the survey, education, religious tradition, religious attendance, and sexual history, as well as the size of the metropolitan area that they live in.” He thinks the reason might be selection bias. “The kinds of people who wait till their thirties to get married may be the kinds of people who aren’t predisposed toward doing well in their marriages,” he writes. This also means “people who marry later face a pool of potential spouses that has been winnowed down to exclude the individuals most predisposed to succeed at matrimony.”

(Again, I refer you to my caveat in paragraph two. It’s Mr. Wolfinger suggesting singles over 32 are not marriage material, not me. )

Other sociologists who cover this waterfront were quick to weigh in with doubts. The University of Maryland’s Phillip Cohen used a different set of data, from the American Community Survey, to say that getting older didn’t mean your marriage had less chance of survival. According to his analysis, the perfect age to get married if you don’t want to get divorced is 45 to 49, which, he notes, is why people shouldn’t make life decisions based on statistical analyses on the Internet.


Philip N. Cohen

The truth is: divorce is a difficult social pattern to measure. Many states decline to collect data on it. And since a growing number of people are opting for living together without getting the government seal of approval, counting divorce is becoming less useful as a way of measuring family fracturing.

Still, there are a few truisms backed by research: Having money and a college degree reduces your chances of getting divorced, as does getting engaged before moving in together and waiting to have kids until after the nuptials. Those you can pretty much take to the bank.


In 2009, a bride named Jill Peterson and a groom named Kevin Heinz decided to replace the traditional Mendelssohn wedding march with “Forever” by Chris Brown. The result was the surprising, exuberant, wish-you-could-have-been there wedding-party romp down the aisle that’s become known in its video form as the JK Wedding Entrance Dance. With an estimated 3.5 million views in its first 48 hours, and another 80 million or so since then, the video was one of the first to go viral, and along the way it raised not only spirits but $50,000 in contributions to end domestic violence through the Sheila Wellstone Institute. And yes, Jill and Kevin are still married.

Ten Powerful Tips on How to Attract Any Man

This article will help you not only to find this hidden turn-on, but will also give you some ideas on how to attract any man and win the man you want. This article is the type most men don’t like women to know much about because it bring out or disclose men weaknesses and thus leave them defenceless.

Guys are already murmuring and some of them thought I’m a lady, sorry! I’m a guy, that is why I can write on this particular topic, and whatever I talk/write about in this article will affect all men and I’m not exempted. On the other hand, some will be happy seeing this article and they will want to celebrate me, because most men want to be seduced.

The principle of seduction is the show to attract any maname whether you want to seduce your man or you want to seduce any man. It really comes down to hitting that “hidden switch” that turns the man on. I’m sorry to say here that this specific switch is different to every man. Sometimes it is not even related to physical build-up of the men, it can be a word, an image in his head, an expectation. On other times you can trigger it with a simple smile, a lascivious look (the kind of looks that shows strong sexual desire), a seemingly coincidental touch.

Above all, “ It is your job to find and explore this secret switch on your man.”

My male readers will discover that several of these techniques can be used to seduce a woman as well. Maybe we’re not that different after all. Are you surprise?

Below are the 10 principles you can you to seduce any man.

The Power of Scent

The scent is one of the most powerful subconscious influences that affect our judgments. The scent is one of the most powerful subconscious influences that affect our judgments. In a survey 89 % of the men revealed that the scent can enhance the attractiveness of a women. 55 % of those polled men went a little further and admitted that they would get amorous with a women just because of her appealing scent. Do you believe that? You’d better do! Everybody who has seen or read “Perfume: The Story of a Murderer” would know what I’m taking about.

The scent is one of the most powerful subconscious influences that affect our judgments about the other sex. The way you scent is a vital factor of your success in seduction. You can compare it to pheromones in the animal world. A woman can enhance her natural pheromones by using aromatherapy oils like sandalwood, rose, ylang ylang, jasmine and patchouli. They are known for their aphrodisiac properties. Shakespeare wrote, that Cleopatra received Marc Anthony on a ship with perfumed sails. The exotic scent made him fall in love with her immediately. Even that hopelessly that he gave his life for her.

Use a perfume that you like but be careful not to overdo it. Use it sparingly and apply it to your body’s so called pulse points: wrists, behind your ears, in the bend of your elbow, behind your knees and on the inside of your ankles. You can also try to spray the perfume in the air in front of you and walk into the mist. Make your perfume a recognizable part of you. Make your scent imprinted in his mind.

Meeting Point “the where factor”

me, the “where” is very crucial to your success. Choosing a Sports-Bar with the Superbowl on may not be crowned with success. A private dinner with the appropriate romantic ambiance on the other hand will give you the best chances.

Choose places where you can minimize distractions (and ideally competition). You must have his complete attention. Besides, the proper surrounding can be very stimulative. Never underestimate the power of candlelight and the adequate soft music.

Don’t Reveal it All; Show A Little, But Hide A Little More

There is a certain way how to dress that drives men crazy. And I certainly don’t mean going slutty. This is a turn-off for most men. You need to find a compromise between showing and hiding your womanly qualities. It’s the right combination that makes the secret. I like women, who enhance certain body regions without actually showing anything. Steer clear of the obvious. It is very important that you actually feel sexy. And don’t forget some killer-lingerie and sexy accessories like bracelets and necklaces.

Be Super-Confident

Have the confidence of a super-model. Be a woman who knows what she wants and how to get it. Do you know how to do this? But be aware: there is also a thin red line, if you overdo it, you will most likely look arrogant instead of confident. You don’t want that. Nobody likes arrogance. You can start with renewing yourself, get a complete fresh-up: a new haircut, clothes, start loosing weight. Never underestimate what a new haircut can do to you. Also watch your posture: keep a straight back and your shoulders backwards, expose your chest. Do everything that makes your confidence boost. Men are very impressed by confidence.



Send Signs of Interest

Now it’s time to spread a little hope that the man have actually a chance on you. Send him little signs of interest from time to time that make him come forward:

Pick some fluff of his jacket (even if there is none!).
Face him directly and slightly lean forward every now and then.
Show unclenched hands. Play with your hair or caress other objects.
Push your fingers through your hair.
Wet and bite your lips from time to time
Here again: do not overdo it!

Experienced men can read
these signs, the unexperienced, well, they feel that something’s going on.

Killing Eyes– The French Technique

Start with almost accidentally sidelong glances. You can follow up with a direct look. Now something starts what can be described as playful innocence (someone once said to me that the French girls invented that): The moment he looks back you instantly lower your eyes and put on an embarrassed smile. You can even emphasize that some moments later by looking again, this time longer and then again lower your eyes.

This is flirting without talking (we can learn a lot from the French, when it comes to lovemaking).

Touch Him “Accidentally”

When you reach for something, try to accidentally touch his hand. Don’t make it too obvious. Also touch him briefly during the conversation to make a point or when he just made an interesting remark about something.

The secret is being playful with casually touches now and then. This creates tension and also a physical connection. And more importantly: it subconsciously communicates that you’re not interested in “only being friends”.

...
The Power of Erotic Dancing

This one is short and simple: learn how to dance in an erotic way and look for an opportunity for him to see. Don’t underestimate the power of this. Most women love to express themselves on the dance floor. Why not learning it and doing it the right way? There are courses on this, or just go to a club, watch and learn.

This is very powerful.

Anticipation Magic

Now, here’s a good one. This is a variation of “play hard to get”, which by the way is a very doubtful thing. If overdone it will harm you more than being of use. Instead, play a little game called “anticipation”. Anticipation, excitement, and tension can be a huge turn-on for a man. Delay the gratification. Make two steps forward, one step back. Create a strong feeling of dissatisfaction in him. A dissatisfaction which can only be resolved by having you. It must never seem to be easy for him.

Make two steps forward, one step back. Contradict Yourself! Use the before mentioned signs of interest, then suddenly show disinterest, ignore him for two minutes. Then start again. Two steps forward, one step back.

The Secret Ingredient

Now, there is a final ingredient to a successful seduction of a man: He must not feel seduced. He must think that he seduced you, not the other way around. Give him his victory, let him be the hero. Men like that. It gives them a feeling of security.

Conclusion

These are some other useful tips in short:

Be mysterious and playful
Awake the explorer in him
Let him do most of the talking
Flirt intensively with 90 % body-language and only 10 % with words
Contradict yourself, confuse him
Try to make an all-senses-explosion: looks, taste, music, touch, scent
Take care never to appear too needy.
There you have them, the powerful tips on how to attract any man, get his attention and occupy his brain.

I will strongly advice you to watch this video to the end and take action if you want to capture any man’s heart. The programme is titled; Capture His Heart And Make Him Love You Forever. Watch it Here Now

In summary, what Capture his heart and make him love you forever will teach you include but not limited to;  A step-by-step guide to getting and keeping a man’s love, Capture his Heart is designed to help any woman become the intoxicating temptress that the man of her dreams can’t resist. You will learn dozens of tactics for awakening her inner siren, including how to maintain her sexy inner grin, how to seduce a man using only her eyes, and how to make conversation like she’s making love. Go right now and get it;

 Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever.

10 Reasons Not to Get a Divorce

I think the average couple in today's world has thought about divorce at least once during their marriage. For some, divorce is a constant threat. For others, divorce feels like their only hope. Whether you have thought about divorce once or you think about it every day, this article gives ten good reasons not to divorce.

I start with the disclaimer that both my husband and I are divorced. But for both us, we did not choose it. Our spouses chose it and we had to live with it. If your partner chooses to end the marriage, you cannot force them to stay married.

One more disclaimer. If a partner is any of the following, I believe divorce is justified:

1.Adulterous
2.Abusive
3.Addictive
4.Abandoning
In other words, if they are cheating on you, hitting, or putting you down, an alcoholic or drug addict, or has left you for someone else, this article does not apply to you.

If the preceding reasons do not apply, however, I present you with ten reasons not to divorce.

For children of divorce, the fairy tale is officially over.
For children of divorce, the fairy tale is officially over. | Source
1. The Kids

The first reason is something we all know about and we all consider: the kids. Should you stay married for the children? Well, at least think about how it will affect them. You might get over it in time. They never will.

They will never get over the loss of their family, and their lives will never be the same. Never. When mom and dad start living separate lives, a child's world is never the same and they must navigate a new reality. For that boy or girl, the fairy tale is officially over. Yes, kids do "move on," but they are affected by it forever.

In fact, Judy Wallerstein, a well-known advocate of children of divorce, stated that even 25 years later, children of divorce were 40% less likely to marry. They had romantic problems many years after the divorce.

Kids Are Always Effected.

Another study, "The Effects of Divorce on America," found staggering correlations between problems in children and divorce. Divorce was linked to higher drug abuse, lower grades, and higher suicide rates. These are only a couple of examples; there are have been many other studies done on this subject as well.

These statistics are not intended to make anyone feel guilty or worse about something that has already happened. Divorced parents and step parents (which I am) all try to make the best of a difficult situation, but make no mistake, the kids are very much effected.

In my own life, both as a stepmom and as a teacher of at-risk teenagers, I have seen a lot of anger in kids of divorce. This can largely be attributed to the way children feel torn between the two people they love the most in the world: mom and dad, who now don't like each other very much. Divorce is an ongoing conflict, even if there is no real squabbling going on, and causes division within the child.

So, reason number one for not divorcing is the kids. It does hurt them. Period.


2. Custody

The next reason is very closely related to the first and also deals with children. The number one reason was how it affected the lives of the children. The next one is intertwined with that, and it deals with how divorce will change the dynamics of your family.

One of the worst things about divorce, if children are involved, is a new dirty word you will become very familiar with: custody. You no longer have the children in your home full-time as you always have. You will be sharing those children with your ex-partner, and you will have to arrange your whole life to accommodate these arrangements.

If you are the non-custodial parent, you can never get those hours back, and you will miss those children, guaranteed. I watched my husband go through it, and there is nothing like the pain of a dad or mom missing their child. Nothing. Walking away from a marriage because it's not what you wanted can mean walking away from your kids and that impact is enormous.


It is also important to realize that even the custodial parent loses out. Every time the children go to the other parent the custodian parent doesn't know what they are doing for those days or hours. It's not that their time with your ex-spouse is necessarily bad, but most mothers like to know where their kids are and how they are doing. Going into a custody situation changes that. You no longer have 24-hour access to your children because you have to share that with your former mate. That is a tough pill to swallow, no matter what. This is a very important consideration and a reason that the effect of divorce is so profound.

Custody also means that your children will now have two homes, not one. For the rest of their childhood life, they will have to continually split themselves between two residences and will have to adjust every time they go from one to the other. Yes, custody arrangements might sound easy on paper, but emotionally they are seldom easy and rarely painless.

3. Emotional Devastation.

Divorce is emotionally devastating for most people. Divorce forces us to kill all of the dreams we were counting on when we decided to marry our mate. It separates us from the one person we believed would always be there for us, holding our hand when we got old and feeble. We may deny the pain, but there is always pain with divorce. Divorce is a type of death, and we will need to grieve the loss just as we do when a person we love dies.

Divorce is the ultimate rejection, because we are either rejecting, or being rejected by the one person who knew us best in this world. In this culture, we've grown so accustomed to people splitting up that this silent pain is often ignored and not acknowledged, but it's still real. People may even cover up their pain with addictions or new relationships, but these do not heal the hurt. Many people are never the same after a divorce, because all of their underpinnings have been taken from them.

4. Loss of Confidence.

When I was dating my husband, he was very reluctant to make a commitment to marry. In fact, it was terrifying to him. You see, he had "failed" at marriage once, and he did not want to fail again. We grow up thinking that we will marry and be happy. When we "fail" at that, our confidence and belief in ourselves as one capable of marriage, is deeply affected. We have failed at one of the key jobs of adulthood: to find a suitable mate, and make it work.

Another aspect of confidence that is affected is our confidence in our desirability. This why newly divorced people often go through a stage of serial dating, desperately seeking to re-establish themselves as attractive and wanted. Or they may fall into another relationship right away, rebounding, and not choosing someone that is healthy for them, compounding and complicating the already raw wound of divorce.

Kenny Chesney Wrote This Song After his Divorce from Renee Zwellweger


5. Loss of Identity

When divorce happens, both individuals lose the roles of husband and wife that they were accustomed to. Even if the marriage is troubled, there is still security in knowing that you are this person's wife or husband. All of that is gone when the divorce papers are signed. You are no longer the wife of so-and-so, but you are now the "ex" of so-and-so—not a very affirming title. Women feel this reality in a very practical way, as they must now go from a "Mrs." to a "Ms," usually feeling that "Miss" would be a bit uncomfortable. As well, women must wrestle with the decision as to whether or not they should change their name back to their maiden one, or continue on with a last name that no longer reflects the reality of their life.

Marriage gives us a place in this world, and divorce takes it away.






6. Loss of Family.

Now, this is a very difficult one, and painful for many people. You know how when you got married, everyone said you were marrying your fiancé's family, as well as your fiancé? Well, this truth also works in reverse. When you divorce your wife, you are also divorcing her family, in most cases. You see, just like the friends, family will often feel forced to take sides, and guess who they are going to pick? Of course, their son or daughter! So, the relationship with your in-laws will probably change, if not end.

I have known people who have kept in touch with their child's ex-partner, but it is rare, and often awkward. And for some people, this can be a huge loss. Family connections, even in-law ones, run deep, and we take our family for granted. It can be very painful to realize that those ties are broken, and must be re-negotiated and sometimes lost. As much as everyone would like everything to stay the same, it doesn't, and that's really hard.

Friends

7. Loss of Friends.

Something you might not realize when contemplating a divorce is that your social life will change. Socially, a person's marital status is important and affects the dynamic of a social situation. Couples often feel more comfortable being friends with other couples. Making the switch to two singles instead of one deuce will shake everything up. If you are really close, the couple might choose to see both of you at different times, but if the tie between the two couples was based mostly on one person in the divorced couple, your friends will often feel forced to take sides and be loyal to their original friend. This doesn't sound very nice, but it's a reality.

Also, some couples don't often feel as comfortable with a divorced person. Their lonely presence serves as a reminder that things always don't work out. They might question their own marriage. Problems that were once covered up may begin to come to the light as they watch a formerly intact couple break up. Just as people often don't know what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one, people are often awkward when confronted by a divorce. They don't know what to say, so they stay away.


8. Finances.

The longer a couple stays married, the more time they have had to build up assets. You often see couples who have been together for a long time with a great deal of financial stability. Staying together often allows couples to accumulate assets and a good reputation, as both of them work together for the good of their household. Divorce disrupts this building process and forces both members of the couple to start from scratch.

Divorce is expensive in so many ways. There are the actual legal costs of obtaining a divorce judgment. If there are children involved, custody must be decided. If there are assets, they must be divided. All of these things usually involve billable legal fees. Anytime a judge is involved, you must pay for the lawyer's time.

Afterwards, costs will vary greatly, depending on the situation. But it's bound to be expensive, because now, between the two of you, you are paying for two residences instead of one. Child support is also a huge cost. Taking care of your child used to be something the two of you shared, coordinating schedules and jobs to cover the responsibilities. Now, one person must find a way to care for the child mostly by herself (usually the woman) and the other (usually the man) must pay large amounts of cash to help her do this. Economically, this is far harder than trying to do it together. Both parties lose in a child support situation.

As well, job situations have to change to accommodate a new schedule and a new situation. Child care needs are different, and sometimes a move to another residence is necessary. This can affect employment situations. If one person has been a student, they may no longer find it possible to continue with their studies after the support of their spouse is gone.

For my husband, he moved several times after his divorce in an effort to be closer to his children. For me, I lost many of my household effects, because I did not want fight for them and had to move in with my parents for a while. Everyone's situation is unique, but most people incur economic costs.

Many studies have been done on this subject, and it is well-recognized that divorce has a financial impact. This excellent article discusses this issue in much greater detail and depth: Cost of Divorce and the Financial Risks Involved.

9. Second Marriages

I am my husband's second wife. My husband is my second husband. Therefore, I talk about this next subject with some trepidation. For those of us making a new life after divorce, we hope and believe in second chances and this often includes a second marriage. If a person is divorced, they will often want share their life with someone else and not to simply be alone.

But let's be honest. Second marriages are harder than first marriages. In fact, studies show that 25% of second marriages fail, as compared to 20% of first marriages, and that second marriages, on average, last 10.8 years for men and seven years for women. Why are second marriages more difficult? Here are three reasons that second marriages are harder than first marriages.

We're less innocent. For the first year and a half of our marriage, my husband and I talked about divorce a lot. Actually, I did, and my husband would get angry with me. Why did I do that? Well, it was a fear. I knew that we had both come from divorced backgrounds, and when troubles came, it was hard to keep believing that we were going to make it. The threat and possibility of divorce loomed over our heads. It was like a curse. Unlike a first marriage, we were not "starry-eyed" going in. In fact, we had no illusions to break, and that made us tough. I did not want to be hurt again, and so I acted out to prevent that. Am I alone? I don't think so. Second marriages are less innocent and that makes them harder. Both parties, although they are trying to love again, are often scared, and that's not a good way to start a marriage. This might not apply to everyone, but for some people, it can definitely be a factor.
It's complicated. Second marriages, especially those concerning children, are very complicated. When children are involved, they must now deal with a new person in their life, and step parents now suddenly become a type of parents to children that they did not create. There are so many variables and trying to create a new family in the aftermath of a family breakup is never an easy or simple process. When people get married the first time, they usually have some time to themselves before children enter the picture. Or even if they have children right away, they grow with those children. Step-parents, however, must deal with children from the very start of their marriage and don't have that all-important adjustment period.
History repeats itself. This is closely related to the first reason, that we are less innocent. History repeats itself, unless we are healed. When people go through a rough relationship, and it ends in divorce, it is often because of patterns that affect the relationship. Unless they recognize those patterns they will tend to repeat them in the second marriage. For example, if a woman's insecurity interfered with her first marriage, this same insecurity will probably affect her second marriage unless she is healed of whatever wounds are causing her insecurity. If a man tends to be too controlling in his first marriage, and it drove his wife away, those same controlling tendencies will probably surface in his second marriage and history may be repeated. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, and unless significant healing and change happens within the individual, they are at risk for similar problems to their first marriage. This might be hard to swallow, but it only makes sense


10. You Promised

"Groom: I,____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I plight thee my troth.

Bride: I,_____, take thee,_____, to my wedded Husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love, cherish, and to obey, till death us do part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I give thee my troth."

-- Wikipedia, Marriage Vows, from the Book of Common Prayer

We made a promise.
We made a promise. | Source
The wedding vows. Above all, these are the most important reason not to divorce. If you got married, you promised to stay married forever. That was for richer or poorer (through the financial difficulties), in sickness and in health (even when one of you or your family is sick, and it disrupts your life, and even causes behaviour or emotional turmoil), for better or worse (through all the problems and all the successes of life).

On that day, we promised that we would love. That we would honour. That we would cherish. These days, the "obey" part is usually replaced with respect, but the point is there. We would be there for each other, no matter what. We say those words in earnest, never guessing what they will cost us. But the words stand, nonetheless.

Mike Mason, in his incredible book, The Mystery of Marriage: Meditations on the Miracle, talks about how those vows are really impossible standards for us to keep. How can we always love, he asks? How can we always honour? Or cherish? Yet, we still make those promises. And those, he concludes, are what keep us together when nothing else does.

You promised. That is the final, most important, and most profound reason not to divorce.

For Those Who Have a Choice

In conclusion, I would like to say that this series has been hard to write, not just because it has been emotional, but because I don't want to be misunderstood. I don't want anyone to be hurt by what I am saying or feel judged. For anyone already divorced, I recommend moving on and making the best of your life. Heal and live. I do not intend to make anyone feel worse about what's already happened. Similarly, for those in abusive or adulterous situations, I do not mean to guilt you into staying in an impossible situation. Instead, this is for those who have the choice. I do so want to make that distinction clear.

Disclaimers all aside, though, I plead to those who are in the position of considering divorce, to consider the cost. It is a huge decision and not one to take lightly. Few, if any, escape unscathed. In fact, it was my husband who gave me the idea to write this article. We are now happily married but it has been a hard road for both of us to get here. His kids still live with the reality of it, and so do we. My husband wanted people to know how hard divorce is. So I share the credit for this story with him. We are still both affected by divorce to this day. What I planned to be one article turned into three, because the subject is so vast. Thanks for reading along, and take care.

Before you divorce, be sure to consider the consequences, because they are serious.
For counseling and books call 08067468642

Sweet Singleness-Beware the Single Story...

"Mommy, I really like this story! The girl in it is so cool! She doesn't have to sit and wait for a boy to save her like in the other books, and she gets her own adventure!"

My mom loves retelling this anecdote of when I first described my favorite childhood picture book. I was only five and could barely read, much less absorb academic rhetoric on gender discrimination. Yet I knew there was something intrinsically wrong when I read the other stories that didn’t reflect who I was or what I liked.

I felt this again when I wondered why girl scouts were learning to bake, sew and sell cookies while the boy scouts got to do the cool stuff like camping, making fires and learning to tie intricate knots. The “girl scout” story didn’t feel like me.

At home, I hated dolls because they didn’t get awesome tanks like my brothers’ army rangers did. My reluctance to identify with them was quickly rectified, however, by Sharpied dark blue hair and a safety-pinned nose ring. If I had to have a doll, this girl was going to write her own story.

As a single 26-year-old woman living alone in East Asia, I can’t escape the fact there are a whole lot of boxes that don’t quite fit me. My interests and talents rarely seem to line up with the opportunities offered me.

Nigerian author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, in her well-known TED talk “The Danger of a Single Story,” gives a name to these simple, predictable boxes we often assign: single stories. When we retell the single story, Adichie warns, we reduce a large group to an over-simplified, unilateral narrative. But individuals are much more nuanced than we’d care to admit. Single stories lull us into believing we understand large, complex issues or people groups or problems with only a single, flat narrative. The problem with single stories isn’t that these narratives are never true, but they’re rarely always true, leaving the ill-fitting hero or heroine to feel different and misunderstood. Believing we understand is easy — actually understanding is much harder.

Picture books can’t do justice to our complexity as people. Surely you’re not fully defined as the washed-up high school athlete, the overachieving, Type-A female or the quiet, socially awkward friend. But we continue to embrace these single stories and believe they represent the truth, about ourselves and others. You’ve likely seen this at play in your own church, leaving you feeling out of place or misunderstood. We need to expand our narratives; our dialogue must leave room for nuance. Consider the following single stories, among others, that may have taken root in your church:

1. "Only men struggle with lust."

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Maybe you’re the woman who actively fights temptation as she trains beside shirtless men in her runner’s group. Are you the only woman privately waging war against lust? Definitely not. But when you hear this story, you begin to wonder if there's something fundamentally wrong with you. In surveys among Christians, 60 percent of women claim to have had significant struggles with lust, and 13 percent of young women admit to frequently viewing pornography, so why do we keep relegating lust to the male sphere? Because a single story is easier to understand than the complex, multi-layered narrative that female sexuality demands. http://www.botmasterlabs.info/product67253/

2. "Women are the emotional ones while men should be the strong ones.”

Is this statement a culturally informed generalization or a biblically derived fact? Maybe you’re the young man who feels strongly, often relying on your gut to make decisions, experiencing your emotions more deeply and outwardly than your sister or mother. Does your counter-narrative mean your God-given emotions defy how you should feel? As 34.5 percent of men would identify more as feelers than thinkers according to their MBTI type, you’re probably not the only man in your church, or even your friend group, facing these concerns.

As Val Dunham writes, “If we work to push back on arbitrary gender norms ... we affirm the idea that gender isn’t swayed by things like emotional expression and an interest in sports. Biblical teachings make clear that our Creator outlined different functional purposes for men and women, but those purposes are not reliant on our cultural interpretations of femininity and masculinity.”

3. "You’re too desperate for marriage. Learn to be more content in your singleness.”

I’m sure you’ve tried to find it — the switch that’ll magically erase all your desire for marriage and family. If we each had access to this, we could shut off our emotions when they seem to conflict with the reality of our situations. Unfortunately that switch doesn’t exist, which means “contentment” can’t possibly translate to the absence of longing. Otherwise, when Jesus begged God to “remove this cup,” clearly reflecting a desire for a different path, the perfect Son of God would have been discontent. Instead, perhaps contentment looks like part two of that verse in Luke 22: “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” When it seems like you long for marriage far more than others (and far more than you’re told you should), don’t pile guilt on top of shame by believing your desires indicate a lack of contentment. Instead, ask the Lord to supply you with a measure of true contentment that allows room for His good plan both now and in the future.

4. "Single people should cultivate biblical virtues in preparation for marriage."

You’re 36, you’ve been listening to sermons and preparing to be a wife for almost two whole decades, but you’re still single. Is it possible to absorb the idea of if a spouse comes, rather than when? Honestly, lifelong singleness is a real possibility. We should continue to hope for marriage, but as we submit this longing to God, we acknowledge it may never come — let’s bank instead on the promises the Lord does make. Instead of building character only to make us better spouses in the future, let’s cultivate Christlikeness for the sake of Christlikeness.

Single stories are often rooted in truth. As Adichie says, “The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes isn’t that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete. They make one story become the only story.” So even while we understand how these generalizations are created, as a corporate body we do a disservice to our brothers and sisters when we discredit the legitimacy of their unique chapters in the grand narrative of the Christian experience.

Are we then allowed to address these general issues at all? Without a doubt, yes. Equipping believers to combat sin and serve in the local body is important, and that requires painting with a broad brush at times. But perhaps when these kinds of single stories are stated from the pulpit or shared in small groups, we can be aware of two things: 1. These generalizations aren’t reflective of every experience, and accordingly we must show grace to others and ourselves if (and when) we lie outside of the norm. 2. Often stereotypes exist because people have never seen anything to the contrary. Be willing to patiently engage with others, highlighting the outliers and exceptions, in order to cultivate compassion for those who are often overlooked and marginalized.

While we work to accommodate differences, let’s remember the universal nature of the body of Christ, the knitting together of the hands, feet, arms and legs in unity under the Head. Let’s take hope in the one true single story: the narrative of the God of Heaven who is reconciling a common people to Himself, as we walk purposefully with one another in humility and grace.

Know What the Bible Doesn’t Say About Femininity

Perhaps the first step is not simply to examine what God's word says about gender but also to examine what it doesn't say.
For much of my life I didn’t think of myself as feminine. Of course, I knew I was a female and identified as such, but embodying femininity didn’t seem to come automatically with my female form. Therefore, when I was a child I classified myself as a tomboy. After all, I preferred sports to dolls and had more in common with my brother than either of my sisters. But I always felt I was missing some vital part of my femininity.

Research shows that I’m not the only girl to experience such an existential crisis. In fact, studies indicate girls between the ages of 9 and 11 are prone to construct a dichotomy between the “girly-girl” and “tomboy.” Despite identifying these categories, girls in this age range fluidly shift between the two labels — evidence the dichotomy is a false one.
Sometime around puberty girls begin to add nuance to these labels. Perhaps it’s the result of increased cognitive capacity, or maybe it’s related to the physical maturation children experience at this age. Though my interests hadn’t changed, my male friends began perceiving me differently when our bodies became less androgynous. I didn’t feel any more feminine, but suddenly I was perceived as such. Under this shifted male gaze, the word tomboy no longer seemed to fit, and the label became easy, for a time, to shrug off.

Femininity in Marriage.

When I was a sophomore in college, I read through the book Love and Respect with my then-boyfriend. We were thinking about marriage, and reading through the text seemed like a good way to determine the strength of our potential future together. (Spoiler alert: We didn’t work out.) As I read each chapter, I became more and more disconcerted with the opposing positions presented by the author: Women crave love while men need respect.  I heard (and still hear) this refrain echoed by the church. It wasn’t that I doubted either supposition — both of those things seemed true enough. However, I did question setting up a contrast between the two things. Surely love and respect weren’t mutually exclusive. Shouldn’t one flow from the other? Don’t men need love and women need respect as well?

For the first time since puberty, I realized I hadn’t completely shed my inhibiting tomboy cloak. I felt inherently flawed, as if the biology that was supposed to bestow femininity upon me left a keen interest in baseball instead. I didn’t connect with the image of femininity cast by Love and Respect, nor did I see myself in the similarly popular Captivating. The woman presented in these books was empathetic; she craved emotional intimacy and prioritized quality time. She was chiefly characterized as an emotional being, and I was decidedly not emotional.
During my junior year of college, my roommate honored me with the nickname “Tin Man” after I admitted (at the conclusion of My Sister’s Keeper) that I’d never cried during a movie. To this day my husband is more likely to cry and is far more empathetic than I am. If I’d known that as a twenty-something college student, I would’ve assumed we both occupied broken versions of femininity and masculinity. I also would’ve assumed a successful marriage hinged on my ability to somehow embody a femininity that didn’t naturally spring from my personhood.
Nobody ever directly told me this, but the information was there. I knew that a) femininity meant a bend toward emotional sensitivity, b) that emotional sensitivity made it easy for women to receive love and give respect in a marriage, and c) in order to be a functional part of that equation, I needed to embrace the more feminine qualities that were surely buried beneath a layer of emotional damage.
Today, I know I am feminine. But I still haven’t triggered some chemical reaction in my brain that catalyzes a move toward emotional vulnerability. For better or worse, my attitudes and emotional inclinations are still largely the same, and my interests still more frequently align with stereotypically masculine artifacts. The difference is I no longer think of these traits as boyish features mistakenly embodied by a woman.

The Validity of the Line.

When culture draws an arbitrary line between two things, those caught in the middle are likely to either migrate to one side or analyze the validity of the line. I chose the latter. I never figured out how to project a more culturally normative flavor of femininity — instead, I’m striving to redefine femininity.

A recent study showed that men who request family leave are perceived as unreliable workers, and they’re also stigmatized as feminine. While this is interesting, it’s not surprising. Culturally normative femininity, both inside and outside the church, has a tendency to define femininity in terms of both weakness and uncertainty. Sure, we may use different words (fragile, gentle, meek), but we essentially mean the same thing: Women are inherently soft in a way that men are not; they are irrational and more uncertain than logic-heeding men.
If we work to push back on arbitrary gender norms (girls wear pink, boys wear blue; boys don’t cry, girls aren’t logical, etc.), we affirm the idea that gender isn’t swayed by things like emotional expression and an interest in sports. Biblical teachings make clear that our Creator outlined different functional purposes for men and women, but those purposes are not reliant on our cultural interpretations of femininity and masculinity.

Part of redefining femininity has meant creating space for a diverse array of characteristics to manifest in women. I joyfully acknowledge the femininity that fits neatly into the culturally normative description, but I likewise acknowledge the femininity that does not. I praise God for the intelligent, fierce, trailblazing, kind women whose lives inform a shifting culture and reshape what biblical womanhood truly means. I praise God for women who serve and women who lead, teaching us that femininity doesn’t equal subordination. I celebrate the feminine voices that choose to shout in a culture that would rather they whisper. I thank God for women who cry and women who don’t, and for the fact that there is room for such variance among godly women.

An Imperfect Resolution.

I’m not feminine because I feel, or because I like to bake, or even because I’ve borne a child. I’m feminine because God created me female.
I still feel there are aspects of my personhood that are dysfunctional, but I no longer classify these failings as dysfunctional femininity. I’m brazen when I should be meek — not because women are biologically inclined to meekness but because Christ has declared the goodness of meekness in all people. I sow anger when I should seek peace; I’m proud when I should be humble; I hold grudges when I’m called to forgiveness. All of these failings might impede the way God has called me to function as a woman, but none of them are inherently tied to womanhood, and none of them will be perfectly resolved on earth.
Misguided perceptions of femininity and masculinity aren’t problems unique to the church, but they do create a moral conundrum the church must grapple with in a unique way. How can we affirm truth in “male and female He created them” without creating a dichotomy few can comfortably or naturally exist in?
Perhaps the first step is not simply to examine what God’s word says about gender but also to examine what it doesn’t say.

Biblical Dating: Being Just Friends

I pray you will have a Godly friendship..Amen! Before continuing with this article, please review the preamble included at the beginning of part 1 of this series, "Biblical Dating: How It's Different From Modern Dating."


PART 2: Men Initiate, Women Respond .

One of the big questions hovering around the topic of courtship and dating is the role of friendship. How intimate of a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is OK? How do I move from friendship to dating? Won't the friendship be ruined if one of us expresses romantic interest and the other doesn't respond favorably?
Basically, the question seems to be how exactly single Christians should relate to members of the opposite sex in that large and awkward zone between "we've never met" and a deliberate dating or courting relationship.

Much of this is a fairly new problem. I won't repeat the full history lesson here, as several Boundless authors have already discussed it (Joshua Rogers most recently, in his excellent piece "Your Friendgirl Deserves Better"). Essentially, the historical reality is that until 30 or 40 years ago, long, intimate friendships between men and women in which each served as the other's emotional confidante, relationship adviser and "best buddy" were far less common than they are today.
So is the trend toward intimate friendships between single men and women a good thing? In my view, not so much. If you haven't read my previous articles on biblical dating, you'll be helped in thinking through this issue by reading "Biblical Dating: How It's Different From Modern Dating." Based on some of the principles found there, let me offer a couple of practical reasons why I believe such friendships to be generally unwise, and then I'll suggest a positive role for friendship among singles in the Christian community.

Friendship That Invites Confusion and Frustration

In this series of articles, I've raised several biblical principles regarding the way we should treat our brothers and sisters in Christ. First Thessalonians 4:1-8 admonishes us not to wrong or "defraud" our brother or sister by implying a marital level of commitment (through sexual involvement) when it does not exist. As I've discussed before, a broad (but sound) implication of this passage is that "defrauding" could include inappropriate emotional — as well as physical — intimacy. Romans 13:8-14 calls us to love others, to work for their souls' good rather than looking to please ourselves. More specifically, verse 10 reminds us that "[l]ove does no harm to its neighbor." Romans 14:1-15:7 offers a discourse on favoring weaker brothers and sisters above ourselves, valuing and encouraging that which is good in the souls of others.

Bottom line: I believe it is extremely difficult and rare — as a practical matter — to honor these principles in the context of a close, intimate friendship between two single Christians of the opposite sex. (For the verbally precise among you, I think such friendships between non-single Christians are also a bad idea, but that's not what we're talking about here.)
Intimate friendships between men and women almost always produce confusion and frustration for at least one of the parties involved. Close friendships by their very nature tend to involve extensive time talking and hanging out one-on-one. They tend to involve a deep knowledge of the other person's hopes, desires and personality. They tend to involve the sharing of many aspects of each other's daily lives and routines. In other words, they tend to involve much of the type of intimacy and companionship involved in — and meant for — marriage.

Yet even with all this deep communication going on, at least one aspect of these friendships inherently involves a mixed message. No matter how clearly one or both of you have defined what's happening as "just friends," your actions are constantly saying, "I enjoy being with you and interacting with you in a way that suggests marriage (or at least romantic attraction)."
The simple reality (of which most people are aware, whether they admit it or not) is that in the vast majority of these types of relationships, one of the parties involved either began the "friendship" with romantic feelings for the other person or develops them along the way. Either way, that person is now hanging on to the "friendship" in the hope of getting something more despite the "clear words" from the other person that he or she wants nothing beyond friendship.
To the extent that one person's romantic feelings have been clearly articulated to the other (and were met with an unfavorable response) to continue in some no-man's land of "good friends," is arguably to take selfish advantage of the vulnerable party. Yes, I know, the other person is an adult who is free and responsible to walk away if he or she is so unsatisfied, but like it or not, it tends not to work that way. Hope springs eternal, whether it should or not.

And that's the "clear" scenario. What if one person develops romantic feelings in a friendship in which no "clear words" have been spoken, such that the desires of the other person are a mystery? Especially if it's the woman in this position (as seems to be the case more often than not) she will likely feel that if she pushes for something more than friendship, she may lose the interaction and companionship she currently has. Still, given her desire for a husband — and perhaps to have this man as her husband — the status quo of "just really good friends but nothing more for some odd reason" will leave her unsatisfied, frustrated and confused. I have seen and heard and read of such frustration and hurt playing out many times over.
Certainly, a man can find himself in a similar position with a woman he's attracted to, but given his obligation to be clear and intentional with the woman and to initiate the type of relationship he truly desires, he arguably has placed — or at least kept — himself in such a position. He simply is not "between a rock and a hard place" in the same way a woman is.
Finally, there's one more type of confusion to consider. How do others view your "friendship"? Ladies, might there be men who would have initiated with you but for their uncertainty about or discomfort with your intimate friendship with another man? Guys, has a woman perhaps turned you down over questions about a woman friend you spend lots of time with? Would you want to date someone knowing that he or she had a significant, pre-existing and ongoing emotional bond with another single member of the opposite sex? If I were a single person desiring marriage, the answers to these questions would matter to me.

I admit we're not talking absolutes here, but almost. In my experience counseling and writing on this topic, everybody thinks (or at least claims) that his or her intimate friendship is the exception. "No way we'll end up in one of the situations you just talked about. Unlike most other people of our age and experience, we are (insert favorite answer here) a) really astute students of our own and each other's hearts, b) super-clear and talented communicators, c) always honest with each other, even when such honesty entails huge vulnerability for whoever is speaking, d) all of the above."
Maybe. But here I would pose the question that is relevant to so many aspects of the courtship and dating topic. Why risk harm to your own heart or to that of a brother or sister to have a type of companionship that, outside of marriage, is arguably questionable anyway? This brings me to my second argument against intimate one-on-one friendships between brothers and sisters in Christ.
Enjoying the Convenient, Delaying the Good
Let's assume for the sake of argument that your intimate friendship is one of those rare jewels that is devoid of the potential for hurt or confusion. There's another drawback to such friendships. They discourage marriage.
Men and women who are not called to long-term singleness and celibacy have a strong desire for companionship with a member of the opposite sex. This is good and right. As I've discussed before, Scripture seems to consider marriage (and children) to be a normal part of the progression toward biblical manhood and womanhood (see, among others, Genesis 1:27-28; 2:23-24; Matthew 24:38-41; Luke 20:34-36).

In the past, when both sexual immorality and intimate male-female friendships were much less accepted and less common in society, men and women moved more deliberately toward marriage earlier in life. By offering a taste of the companionship and interactions that make marriage so satisfying, with none of the accompanying commitments or responsibilities entailed in marriage, intimate friendships discourage the pursuit of the grown-up, God-intended outlet for marital desires — marriage. This is especially so in a culture — and a church — that struggles with the widespread sociological trend in its young adults known as "perpetual adolescence." Albert Mohler, Alex and Brett Harris, Candice Watters and other Boundless authors have written about this trend at length. In fact, the failure of many Christian men to pursue marriage well into their 20s and 30s may be one of the most disturbing results of this trend, but that's another topic for another day.
As you probably know, I believe Scripture to teach that engaging in the types of emotional intimacy and companionship involved in close male-female friendships — outside of marriage and for their own sake — is wrong (see everything else I've ever written for Boundless). But even if you don't accept that premise, such intimacy is still inadvisable in the sense that it delays and discourages marriage, which Scripture unambiguously calls good and right.
I would especially encourage women who desire marriage to give this argument some thought. If you are one of the many women to write me or Boundless or another Boundless author to complain with great frustration that "Christian men don't initiate," consider this: Are you and your sisters satisfying the intermediate needs of your guy friends such that they feel no particular compulsion to pursue marriage?
Friendship Within A Context of Community
So am I saying that I'm against the idea of relationships growing out of Christian friendship? Am I saying that friendship among single brothers and sisters has no place? Am I saying that single men and women need to shun one another, speaking only to utter the words "will you date me," followed by "yes" or "no"? Absolutely not. In fact, I would argue that dating or courting relationships ideally grow out of friendship among co-laborers in the Gospel. The question is what those friendships look like practically.

First Timothy 5 describes a relationship among Christian men and women not married to one another as that of brothers and sisters. The Lord has mercifully called us not to live the Christian life alone but as part of a community of believers. Single men and women can and should serve in ministry together, study the Word together and hang out together socially. They should go out together, gather around meals, watch movies. In my view, however, these activities should be done, for the most part, in groups rather than one-on-one. Men can initiate group get-togethers, and so can women. In fact, single brothers and sisters in Christ, like the rest of Christ's body, are positively called to care for one another. Men can (and should) give women rides home rather than have them walk alone at night. Men can come over and move couches. Women can cook a meal for a group of guys in danger of developing scurvy from a near total lack of vegetables. Knock yourselves out.
Friendships grow out of the body of Christ functioning and, in turn, result in interests beyond friendship. To be sure, the friendships that develop in this context are not the same friendships with the same level of intimacy that would develop from spending consistent time alone with someone, but they provide a context from which initiations and relationships can bloom. Remember, the world has falsely told us that a high level of intimacy with another person needs to precede any sort of commitment to another person.

Is there a precise formula for whether a friendship or series of interactions is too intimate? If there is, I don't know it. Hang out in groups; serve together. By all means, chat and be friendly with your brothers and sisters in Christ. Should a friend make the assumption that you're ready to marry him or her if you initiate a one-on-one conversation at church or at a group dinner? No. Have you blown two tires and gone screaming off into the trees if you ask someone to lunch or coffee once or twice? Maybe not. Depends on what happens from there.

Just be aware that "friendship" is no more a forum to play married than a dating relationship is. If you find that you are consistently showing one of your opposite-sex Christian friends more one-on-one attention than all the others, whether in conversation or through invitations out, it's probably time for 1) some clarification of intentions and (most likely) a change in the status of the relationship to something more overtly committed, or 2) a change in the way you interact with that person. Beyond that, godly single adults will have to work this out on a case-by-case basis.

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