Don't Marry Yourself

In of one scene of Seinfeld, Kramer barges into Jerry's flat to find him lying on his couch, heart-struck. Kramer asks, "What's with you?"
Jerry responds, "I think I'm in love!"
"Oh, come on!"

 "She's incredible," Jerry says. "She's just like me. She talks like me. She acts like me. She even orders cereal in a restaurant. We even have the same initials! Wait a minute. I just realized what's going on. Now I know what I've been looking for all these years — myself!"
Kramer: "Stop it, man, you're freaking me out!"

Later on in the episode, Jerry becomes engaged to his twin, and he immediately regrets it. Wistfully he admits to Kramer, "I think I may have made a big mistake. If anything, I need to be with someone completely opposite of me. It's too much! It's too much — I can't take it!"
Few would argue that marrying a veritable clone is healthy or even possible, but some of us choose only to date people who mirror our own habits, tastes and talents. And while we've heard opposites attract, do such relationships actually last? The key question here is pretty simple: How many similarities do people need to share in order to set themselves up for a healthy marriage?

Show Me the Money … and Your Calendar

The core traits you're looking for in a potential spouse directly parallel your values. Many of us may claim we're limiting ourselves to a few non-negotiables ("He just needs to love Jesus, work hard and serve in the church"), but is this actually true? More often than not, these aren't the only standards informing our choice to x-out an online match or not pursue that woman in small group.
So how do we determine what's important to us? Practically speaking, our values are seen in how we spend our time, energy and resources. It's easy to tell what we value by looking at our calendars and bank statements.
I deeply value overseas missions. My first experience with cross cultural ministry was being part of a team to help a church in Haiti. It wrecked me. Experiencing the country's overwhelming poverty left an indelible mark on my heart for those who suffer. A few years later, I joined a missions organization, and I traveled to dozens of places attempting to bring God's hope to those who suffer. Even now, I continue to regularly volunteer with that group. Whether it'll be living abroad for a decade or taking yearly two-week relief trips, I know overseas missions will always be a part of my life, and thus a similar heart for other nations is for me a non-negotiable in a spouse.

Don't Settle for Surface Similarities

The interesting thing about this discussion is that there aren't hard and fast rules because many things about us change as we age and experience life. How can we know the person we'll need in five years, much less fifty? And how do we know who we will be?
Even our values are persnickety. Many of them will fluctuate in intensity and duration over time. Several years ago, a powerful testimony from a missionary tore at my heartstrings. He was sneaking Bibles into a closed country, and that Jason Bourne part of me welled up. I was ready to sell all my possessions and join his covert team. A month later I forgot about his message, and my desire to smuggle Bibles had vanished.
Values can range from staying engaged in politics to eventually pursuing overseas missions. These are all good. Don't feel like you can only hold "holy" things as non-negotiables. Just make sure you're being honest with yourself.
Examine and re-examine your non-negotiables to ensure they'll withstand the test of time. Then act accordingly — make choices as if those are your only deal breakers. Sharing surface similarities casts the illusion of connection, but sharing core values actually creates that foundation. If they hold similar values, a devoted fantasy novel reader and avid romantic movie viewer can make a go of it, even if it makes that first-date conversation a little more difficult.

The Line Between Values and Passions

Apart from sharing values, what about matching our passions with another? It's one thing to give up hope for someone with a perfect body or great singing voice, but should we also sacrifice our specific desires to serve and minister?
One woman I know has a heart for adoption and refugee ministry, and she seeks these same passions in a man. Is it reasonable for her to expect to find these in a future husband? In short, yes and no. If my friend waits long enough, she might find a man who shares her unique passions for adoption and refugee ministry. But she might not.

However, if she's able to dig deeper and uncover the value driving these passions — in this case it could be a desire to love those who are hurting and needy — that might allow her to accept a much broader understanding of where these passions could lead her (and allow her to date a much larger group of men). Her non-negotiable list won't pigeonhole her into finding a clone.
For the longest time I thought I valued running. It's an important part of my life, and I devote time and money to it. I assumed it was something I needed to share with my wife. But, as it turns out, my fiancée and I just couldn't get into a good running routine. Our paces are different, and she prefers walking or hiking. During this process, I've realized it's not running I value — it's an active lifestyle. And my fiancée shares this value through healthy eating and getting outside. If I would have clung to my running value without seeing that running was a passion growing out of valuing a healthy life, I would've missed the gift of my future wife.
If some of your non-negotiables are a little too specific, see if there's a deeper desire at play. Then, relate to your dates on this broader level. Doing so will leave space for God to work.

Find a Perfect(ly Flawed) Person

So how much do we need to have in common with a potential spouse? I say we don't even begin here, because depending on your list, your "strongest match" (you know, that beautiful girl who watches football, cooks like your mom, and shares your love of niche sci-fi books) doesn't exist. God willing, you're going to marry a person — someone loved by God but deeply flawed. And flaws notwithstanding, he or she will most likely be different from you in many (good) ways.
My advice is to wrestle with other questions first: What traits won't you negotiate on? What do you value, and how does that play out in your life? What does your spouse need to value? Are you willing for these values to be your only non-negotiables?
Then live these answers. Don't let comic books or compulsive organizing be a deal breaker. Embrace your values without shame and fear, and force yourself out of your comfort zone as you accept dates with people who may surprise you.

How can I balance my career with church and the desire for marriage?

QUESTION

I am Canadian, 28, single and a Wildland Firefighter. While I love my career and believe the Lord has brought me to where I am, it presents a couple of problems. First, while I am a member of a great church that I love, I find it difficult to be involved in the community like I once was. I am away from home so often that I can only attend Sunday service once a month.  Joining a small group or volunteering are also impractical due to my inability to commit consistently. My second problem is in regards to dating. Again, the time I spend away makes it difficult to meet single godly women let alone date them. I guess I am looking for some guidance in how to balance working at times 21 days on and 4 off when conditions are extreme with being part of a church community and meeting potential dates.

ANSWER..

Thanks for your question – I certainly feel for you in your dilemma.  Let me offer you a few big picture ideas to consider and then some specific suggestions.
First, your statement that you believe the Lord has “brought you” to your job as a Wildland Firefighter stuck out to me a bit.  Certainly, your statement is quite true in a very basic sense.  But unless I am reading too much into the statement (always possible!), it seems like you may be assigning some sort of mystical sense of “calling” into your job as a firefighter, such that God necessarily “wants” you in that specific job and you don’t really have the choice of doing something else.  If that’s your position, I would suggest that it’s a touch off theologically.

As I've written in this space before, the main way God authoritatively leads His people is not through subjective feelings (including the over-spiritualized term “calling”) but through His Word. Paul tells us in 2 Timothy 3:16-17 that "[a]ll Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work. " This is the main passage supporting the doctrine of the "sufficiency of Scripture," which just means that God's Word is sufficient to guide us in all areas of life and doctrine — even areas of life not explicitly dealt with in Scripture.
When it comes to job or career, Scripture generally gives us a tremendous amount of freedom, and God doesn’t really authoritatively “call” or “assign” us to one thing such that we are outside his will if we choose to do anything else.  (See Colossians 3:17-24.)  Of course, choosing to do one job or another can be sinful depending on our motivation for doing it, but essentially, Scripture allows that if the job or career you’re in or contemplating isn’t sin per se, then you’re free to do it.
Of course, any career we choose needs to be chosen in light of the positive instructions God gives to all Christians.  Those instructions include admonitions to actively love and encourage God’s people in the context of a church (see Hebrews 10:24-25, among other passages), and, for those men who get married, to actively and sacrificially love our wives and build them up spiritually (Ephesians 5:25-27).
By raising that last point, I don’t necessarily mean to suggest that you should jettison a career you love.  Men who are Christians do jobs all the time that require extensive travel and time away from church – especially for relatively short, acute periods, as in military service.  I have also known men who changed careers or turned down promotions in order to strike a more spiritually healthy balance in their lives, and those decisions very often bear good fruit.  I simply raise all this to suggest (1) that you not mistakenly think this is the only career you can pursue and still be within God’s will (no matter what the cost to you spiritually and in regard to marriage); and (2) that you seek counsel from spiritually mature brothers in Christ who know you well to think through whether continuing in your current career (especially long-term) is the right move spiritually and otherwise.

Okay, enough on that.  Assuming you stay in your current career, how can you mitigate the cost to your church life and efforts to find a spouse?  I have one main suggestion that goes to both issues: get as involved in your church as you possibly can within the limitations your career places upon you.  Ignore the instinct (implied in your question) to be completely uninvolved just because you can’t participate exactly like someone with a normal schedule.  Explain your job and schedule to people in various ministries and contexts within the church, and then get busy!  Join a small group even if you can’t always make it.  Fully participate with an eye toward encouraging others when you are there.  Ask the people in your small group to pray for you when you’re gone – and make it a point to regularly pray for them.  Volunteer where you can.  Serve in ministries as your schedule allows.  Find an accountability partner who doesn’t mind talking by phone or email when you can’t meet face-to-face.  Prioritize those things over other non-work aspects of your life, especially during the seasons of the year when you’re not gone so much.

Doing so will not only build you (and others) up spiritually even as you’re gone, it will also give you more opportunities to meet women in your church and to observe them (as they can observe you) serving in the ministries of the church.  Another suggestion on the dating front is to let an older, married brother or couple in the church know you are interested in marriage and ask them to help.  Could be as formal as a blind date or just including you in some group activities with singles when you’re in town.  Yet another suggestion – I’m listing it last but it is of first importance – is to pray.  Pray for wisdom regarding your career and involvement in the church; pray that God would make you an encouragement to others and that he would help you see opportunities to serve; pray that he would make you a godly man who is prepared for marriage; pray that he would give you a wife.
I myself will pray that the Lord would give you wisdom in all these things.

Don't Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage

Over time, repeated hurts can build up to destroy a relationship, but these suggestions can help you heal before the damage is done.

By Sabrina Beasley McDonald

For nearly two centuries, Beethoven's death was a mystery. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain. His dying wish was that his illness would be discovered so that "the world may be reconciled to me after my death."

In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven's end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer—lead poisoning1.

More than likely, it was a little poison in everyday activities that took his life. It could have come from drinking out of lead lined cups or having dinner on a lead lined plate—both common household items in that day. Or perhaps it came from eating contaminated fish or even the extensive consumption of wine. It didn't come in one lump sum, but the lead killed him slowly and quietly—one little bit of poison at a time.

That's also how bitterness destroys a marriage. It stores itself in the soul, and slowly poisons the one who carries it. It's a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it.

Recently, I have witnessed what a bitter wife does to a relationship. The problems with her husband are real, and her anger is justified. However, what keeps their marriage from healing is not only the problems that he has to overcome, but also the prideful bitterness she guards in her heart.

Little by little, day by day, she has allowed this bitterness to poison her. Her husband will do something disappointing, and instead of confronting the problem, she silently holds it against him. He continues to make the same mistakes, and she continues to harbor her resentment.

This pattern has gone on for years, and now the love she once felt has numbed and hardened her heart. Recently she walked out on their marriage wearing a list of her husband's transgressions as her armor. Reflecting back on his behavior, she nurses her wounds with words that assure her that their marriage was a mistake—"I knew it all along," she says.

What causes bitterness?

In every marriage, a husband or wife does something that hurts the other. It's bound to happen because none of us is perfect. And in some cases, a spouse has a habit of doing the same thing over and over again, even after the behavior is confronted.

Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the person who hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature—lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments—that build up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left. That's when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage.

What's wrong with bitterness? 

A hardened heart can cause a lot of pain. Here are three reasons why bitterness should be removed from your heart as soon as possible:

1. Bitterness harbors unforgiveness. 

You may feel justified in your anger. You may think that your spouse doesn't deserve your forgiveness until he or she straightens out. But have you forgotten the mercy that Jesus had for you?

Romans 5:8 tells us that Christ died for us while we were yet sinners. By God's grace, He didn't wait for us to "get our acts together" before He provided a way for forgiveness. He gave it to us freely even when we didn't deserve it. At Golgotha as the soldiers gambled for Jesus' clothing, the dying innocent Christ prayed, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34). If forgiveness is given freely to us, how much more should we give it to our spouses?

Not only should you desire forgiveness simply because it was given so freely to you, but also, the Bible tells us that there are consequences for unforgiveness. Jesus said, "If you forgive others for their transgressions, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions" (Matthew 6:14-15, NASB). Seek forgiveness not only for the sake of your spouse, but also for yourself.

The other day, I found that my disappointment in my friend was turning into its own form of bitterness. So I sought the Scriptures for guidance. As always, the Word of God shone brilliant light on my own darkness. I was so moved by the verse I read that I wrote it down over and over until there was no more room left on the page. "For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment" (James 2:13).

I wonder how many hurting marriages would be healed if Christian husbands and wives learned to love mercy as much as they love justice?

2. Bitterness doesn't give your spouse a chance to repent.

If you've been holding in your hurt, your spouse may not even know he or she has offended you. Bitterness often comes from hurt that has been suppressed without communication, like filling up a bottle with pressure—eventually that bottle will explode. In the same way, the outburst in your heart can result in a broken marriage, and your spouse never even saw it coming. In this case, go ahead and tell him or her what's been bothering you. Sit down and try to work it out.

Perhaps your spouse does know of your unhappiness, but chooses to continue in the same patterns. This does not negate your responsibility to remove the bitterness from your heart. You still need to give your spouse the chance to repent, although stronger measures, such as marriage counseling, may need to take place.

You may ask, "How many times does my spouse have to do something before I'm justified in my bitterness?" Peter had a similar question in Matthew 18:21 (NASB). He asked, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

Jesus replied in verse 22, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

No matter how many times your spouse may do something, you are still responsible for forgiving him or her.

(Note: If your spouse is physically abusing you, get out of your house and do not stay there. A person who is physically abusive needs extensive counseling and rehabilitation. However, no matter how the situation ends, you can still work on forgiveness from the heart.)

3. Bitterness spreads. 

Have you ever seen a piece of moldy bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you were to look at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn't reflect what's really happening below.

Bitterness grows the same way. One little bit of bitterness can start to spread throughout your heart and contaminate your whole body. It will start to manifest itself in your attitude, demeanor, and even your health.

In addition, the spreading can also affect your children and your family. Have you ever noticed how one person's criticism makes everyone else critical, too? It's the same with bitterness. Paul compares it to yeast when he writes, "A little leaven, leavens the whole lump" (Galatians 5:6). When you allow bitterness into your life, it extends to your family, your church body, and everyone else involved in your life.

Getting rid of bitterness

You may feel like there is little hope left for your marriage relationship. You may be so full of bitterness that you've convinced yourself that your marriage could never be healed, but let me assure you that the healing begins with yourself. With God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

Here are four steps to take to begin healing from bitterness:

1.Confess your bitterness as a sin.

It's so easy to justify our attitude when we've been hurt, but the

Bible teaches that bitterness is a sin. Hebrews 12:14-15 says, "Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord.  See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’  springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled..." You must seek peace with your spouse and the grace to forgive.

2. Ask for God's strength to forgive your spouse and diligently seek that forgiveness.

In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul exhorts us to "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

It's hard to be tender-hearted to a spouse who has hurt you, but it is possible. We have the power to forgive because Christ forgave us, and He gives us strength through the Holy Spirit. For more information on how to forgive, read Nancy Leigh DeMoss's article, "When It's Hard to Forgive."

3. Make a list of your hurts and find a time to talk to your spouse about it. After you've made your

list, pray about which things you can let go and which need to be resolved. If you can let them go, then do so. You may want to physically scratch off each one that you can forgive as an act of faith. Then for those transgressions that are left, ask God to give you the strength to talk to your spouse about them.

Before talking to your spouse, let him or her know that you plan to set aside some undistracted time for you to talk about some issues. As you talk, keep the discussion productive. Start by confessing your own sins to your spouse. Then talk about your hurts. Don't just dump all your irritations and criticisms on your spouse, but speak in love, rationally and gently.

If you feel like you can't talk to your spouse alone, then ask a pastor or mentor couple to join you in the discussion. Make sure your spouse knows that someone else will be there. Once you begin, your spouse may deny the behavior or even become irritated. But the object of the discussion is to expose the wounds, not to accuse. Keep love the main motivator of your communication.

4. Worry about changing yourself, not your spouse. You cannot change your spouse—only God can.

But what you can do is allow God to change your heart. If you have a log of bitterness in your own eye, how can you take the speck out of your spouse's eye? (Matthew 7:3). You, too, have made choices in this relationship that have hurt your spouse and need to be mended. Even though your spouse's sin goes unresolved for now, he or she will answer for it one day before God (Matthew 10:26). In the same way, God will hold you responsible for the bitterness in your heart.
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When Your Spouse Hurts You: How to Forgive and Forget

Forgive and forget. It’s a well-worn cliché – one that is easier to say than to practice.

If you’re married, you’ve been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded you. It may be something small, or it may be a major betrayal. Either way, your pride screams at you to take revenge. If you don’t strike back immediately, you at least want to keep this “guilt card” in your pocket, to be pulled out at a later date: “Oh yeah, well what about the time when you….”

Is Your Husband Watching Porn? Read “Hardcore Betrayal.”

When we’ve been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. And yet, if our desire is to have a healthy, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we’ve got to do. Here are seven suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse lets you down:

Don’t start without your spouse

If you need to talk to your spouse about something, don’t just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for hostility. Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it in advance, which will result in a more productive discussion than if one partner simply lambastes the unsuspecting “offender”.

Handle negative emotions responsibly

When we react emotionally, we often say and do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you’ve settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. This will allow you to go into it looking for a solution, rather than just being consumed with your own hurt.As partners, you need to respect each other’s need to “take five”. If your spouse needs to wait a few minutes, or even a day or two, to cool down, don’t press the issue. This should not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it is better to take some time to clear your head than to allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don’t want to go.

Deal with one issue at a time

Remember that “guilt card” we mentioned earlier? Once you’re into the discussion, you will be tempted to pull it out. Soon, your conversation has deteriorated into a long list of offenses, as you try to outdo one another with everything that the other person has ever done wrong.  This only intensifies the conflict and deepens the divide between you. It can also be overwhelming to be presented with a massive list of things that need to change. Instead of being motivating, it’s discouraging.Instead, be content to solve one problem at a time. It is much better to make serious headway in one area of your relationship than to simply rehearse everything that needs fixing.

Be clear about your perspective

Give each other some uninterrupted time to share your concerns. If you are just trading barbs back and forth, neither of you will really be hearing the other – you’ll be too busy thinking about your next comeback.When it is your time to talk, try to help your mate understand your hurt or frustration. Help them to see why their actions and words had the impact that they did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words or behaviour. It could be that you have misinterpreted their motives, and when this is cleared up it goes along way towards solving the problem.

Hold your relationship more dear than this issue

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our feelings or our “rights” that we lose sight of the bigger picture. People joke about marriages breaking up over toothpaste and toilet paper disputes, but it really happens! Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love one another – and loving one another often means letting the other person be right.

Walk in an attitude of forgiveness

If you are going to live with this person for the next 20…30…50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another manytimes. You cannot afford to not forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”This brings us back to the issue of forgiving and forgetting. In truth, there are some hurts that you will never be able to forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. Proverbs 17:9 says, “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.” Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.Over the past year, I have discovered the value of “advance forgiveness”. I make a conscious decision that, the next time my wife Donalyn offends me, I am going to forgive her. Then, when it happens, I remember that I have already decided to forgive her, so there is no point in making a big deal out of it now. This really helps to take my critical edge off.

Forgive as Christ forgave you – Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each another and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”And just how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Time and time again.This kind of forgiveness is supernatural; it is more than we can do on our own. Particularly if your spouse has betrayed you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength and love, He will help you to forgive…even when your spouse has really let you down.
If you have never experienced God’s complete, unconditional forgiveness, know this: God loves you deeply. There is no sin that is so great that He is unwilling to forgive you, if you would just come to Him. If this is the desire of your heart, pray this prayer:

Dear God, I need You in my marriage, and in my life. I acknowledge that I have sinned against You by directing my own life, and that I cannot go on any further without Your help and guidance – and above all, Your forgiveness. I thank You for sending Your Son Jesus to die on the cross to pay for my sins. I now accept that sacrifice and invite Jesus to take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and empower me to live the life You have called me to. Thank You for forgiving me. Amen.

9 Things Your Husband Isn't Telling You That You Need To Know.

It's shocking what can be left unsaid.

Have you ever ask your husband what he's thinking and not get an answer? Even in the best marriages, there are things that men think about but don't tell their wives.

Our interviews with couples in 53 countries on all 7 continents of the world revealed 9 important things that men don't share with their wives on a regular basis. Here they are.
"There are times when I just want to be alone."

Men need some time all to themselves—alone with their own thoughts, their own meditations, and their own self—and to have their own physical space. Not recognizing this need can be highly detrimental to your relationship with the man you love.

"I really wish you would pay more attention to me than to the kids."

Children add stress to a relationship because of their constant demands on your time and attention. The quality of the relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else. Get it right and good things follow. Get it wrong and lots of bad things often happen.

"Even though I never say anything about it, your weight gain bothers me."

A man wants to be proud of the way his wife looks. When excessive weight gain changes his wife's appearance, many men find it hard to deal with. It is more than just appearances—it is also about the health issues related to excessive weight gain.

"I really wish you would tell me more often that you love me."

To be in love—truly in love—is to tell your spouse that you love him every day of your life.

"I wish you would just say it instead of giving me subtle cues."

Some men have difficulty picking up on emotions and subtleties, so they hate it when you hint. Be direct and say what is on your mind or how you're feeling.

"I worry about not being able to perform sexually, especially as I age."

It is important to a man that his wife makes him feel confident and successful in his sexual relationship. A man needs his wife to help him relax and just enjoy the love they share.

"Your constant criticism and corrections really make me feel terrible."

Even though women often want to fix their mates, it can have devastating effects when the focus is on their partner's problems and not on their strengths

"I want to be praised, appreciated, and validated."

A man needs to be recognized for who he is, what he does, and the contributions he makes to the family. He does not want to be taken for granted and have his efforts go unnoticed.

"I wish my wife would hug me, caress me, touch me often, and be more intimate with me."

Your touch not only acknowledges your husband's presence, but it also shows him that he is important to you.

Ladies, if you haven't had an honest discussion with your husband about these issues, make a commitment to begin that conversation today. If your husband has a tendency to keep issues to himself instead of sharing, it can lead to dissatisfaction with your relationship.

6 Men And Women Reveal The Sex Issues That parted Their Marriages

Sex issues

Making it hot 'n' heavy on the regular is one of the many habits that happy couples swear by to maintain a healthy relationship. But on the flip side, a damaged sex life can be a big part of the reason why a troubled marriage ultimately fails.

"There's no question that sex can be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back for a marriage," says Aline Zoldbrod, PhD, a Boston-area sex therapist and psychologist. "In my experience, there is no other issue that hits as close to people's inherent sense of self-esteem or shame."

Here, 6 men and women share the unsolvable sex issues that caused their marriages to end.

This article was originally published by our partners at WomensHealthMag.com.


"WE NEVER TRIED ANYTHING NEW." 

never tried something new
"We never tried anything new."
"I met my ex-wife when I was 17 years old, and she was the first person I ever had sex with. After we got married, I think that we both felt that we were stuck together and unable to discover new things about sex. We could have done more to be open with each other, but after having a child and then a miscarriage, sex never really felt pleasurable. We're much better as friends and co-parents.".
"He cheated on me."
he cheated
"He cheated on me."
"I and my soon-to-be ex-husband had mismatched sex drives, and so he cheated on me. In the end, he decided he didn't want a monogamous marriage, so I left." —Claire, 32

MORE: 9 Divorcees Confess Exactly What Ruined Their Marriages

"We never had sex."
we were sexless
"We never had sex."
"The truth is that my now-ex husband and I engaged in intercourse a total of three times over the course of one-and-a-half years of marriage, which is largely why I ended it. I believed at my core that it was wrong to go on this way, and he showed no sustained interest in exploring potential solutions with me (medical, emotional, etc.). You deserve to be married to someone who makes you feel desired." —Donora, 33

MORE: This Chart Predicts Your Odds Of Getting A Divorce

"He slept with sex workers."
slept with sex workers
"He slept with sex workers."
"My ex was an amazing lover, and I have never experienced the type of sexual pleasure that he delivered regularly. But it turned out that could have been because he hooked up with prostitutes pretty frequently. Once I discovered that, we never had sex again." —Crystal, 51

MORE: 8 Sex Habits Of Super Happy Couples

"She took sex too seriously."
took sex too seriously

"She took sex too seriously."
"My ex-wife took sex way too seriously. She had a very specific sex script, so to speak, for me to follow, and it was very difficult for me not to treat having sex like a job. Even when she initiated it, she still expected me to make all the moves. It was all work and no play." —James, 34

"I didn't listen to her needs."
i didn't listen to her needs
"I didn't listen to her needs."
"When I was first married, I didn't understand the differences between how men and women experience sex. I was the typical 'short-burst' male, while [my ex-wife] wanted a longer, more intimate experience. I was so clueless that I missed her requests to slow it down and take more time for her." —Lou, 51

Nine Ways To Take Your Sex Drive From Low To pleasure..

Get in the mood to get it on.

Low sex drive is so common, especially after menopause, that it verges on normal: Up to 52% of postmenopausal women experience a lack of desire. The causes can be complex, but that means there are multiple ways to feel more hot and less bothered.



1. Talk it out: Connect with your partner.

Stress, relationship problems, and depression can quash your sex drive. Building intimacy outside the bedroom may fan the flames between the sheets. Talking specifically about sex — what you like, what you don't— helps, too, as it can push you past habits that might have been established long ago.

2. Exercise: Fit for sex

​Active women have more energy, better body image, and less stress — all of which can boost interest in sex. Though there's very little research, one recent study found that women who watched an erotic video after exercising were significantly more turned on than those who viewed the film but didn't work out.

3. Mindfulness: Live for the moment.

Stress hormones like cortisol can kill desire, arousal, and — if you do manage to get your motor going — satisfaction. Mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress and pump up passion. Key techniques include paying close attention to sensations such as breathing, sounds, and your body's sexual responses.

4. Sex therapy: Counseling with a one-track mind

No, you don't have sex with the therapist. Instead, a trained expert talks with you (and preferably your partner) about your sex life. Homework may entail working on communication, focusing on sensations, watching educational videos, and changing how you and your partner interact.

5. Mood meddlers: Many antidepressants have sexual side effects.

SSRIs like fluoxetine (Prozac) and sertraline (Zoloft) can kill your sex drive. Ask your doctor if lowering your dose or trying a different drug, like bupropion (Wellbutrin), is worth a shot.

6. Lubrication: The physical affects the mental.

Discomfort down below can squelch amorous ideas. Choose spur-of-the-moment lubes designed for sex (Astroglide, Slippery Stuff, or this organic lubricant and personal moisturizer) and/or apply a specialized moisturizer like Replens nightly to help vaginal tissue stay pliable.

7. DHEA: A sexy supplement.

Treating menopause symptoms with dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a precursor to the body's sex hormones, is controversial. But a recent research review concluded that it slightly improves sexual function in peri- and postmenopausal women. Though it's available OTC, talk to a doctor before trying it: DHEA might mess with your cholesterol and blood pressure levels.

8. New medication: A first for younger women

Flibanserin (Addyi) was approved by the FDA in 2015 for female sexual desire disorder in premenopausal women, but you can't drink while taking it (alcohol ups the risk of serious side effects). It's available only through specially certified doctors and pharmacies.

9. Hormone therapy: Straight to the source

If sexual dysfunction is related to hormonal changes, estrogen delivered via vaginal cream, suppository, or ring can improve lubrication and lessen pain by restoring the condition of vaginal tissue, without the worrisome side effects that accompany estrogen pills (which are processed by the liver).